Testimony of Grace

Signs of Grace

2011-04-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

So what do you say when you have been away too long? How do you open a paragraph? I think most of us never have intentions of blogging so infrequently, but life takes over -- boy, does it ever!

But this Maundy Thursday finds me back here with you folks, hopefully to offer you words of hope and signs of grace.

I still cover! I'm stubborn about it, too...at times frustrated (or angry even) at a (Christian) culture that doesn't even hiccup at a Christian woman in too tight jeans and sexy boots, but is troubled by a woman who covers voluntarily, out of virtue or obedience or something else noble. But there have certainly been those times when I have said, before leaving the house, "Do I really need this?" Admittedly, there have been the rare occasions that I have gone out alone without my head covered at all, but this is not typically my practice. I think of the good in it, and how much I would like to preserve that good even though I have come to feel that it is my choice...a choice of grace for me that I want to embrace.

Despite my infrequent postings, I hope that you, beloved, are doing well and are thirsting more and more for purity and virtue and that you are awaiting with great hope, Christ's resurrection. May the light of your hope never be dimmed and may you hold fast to your conviction to cover, even if other women cease their covering. I have been covering faithfully for two and a half years; I have pressed on, often without the approval of others, and you must do the same.

Though I do precious little to promote the head covering book, it continues to sell consistently each month, which is almost astonishing, except when I think that surely God had a good purpose in my writing it. It clearly has ministered to a number of women, and I am so humbled by knowledge of this. From my sales reports, I see that most people are buying the book from Amazon, and the book's value continues to spread by word of mouth, apparently. I even had an older man, married for twenty something years, email me to tell me how much he enjoyed the book. He had hoped that his wife would take to head covering, as he deemed it of great worth, but it wasn't something that she felt was important, and he still loved and respected her all the same. These emails from strangers do much to encourage me and keep me praying for each of you. This is a book I could not have written without your support and your stories. God bless you all!

May the spirit of Easter warm your hearts and draw you nearer to our holy Redeemer!

Grace,
M

Yes, I Still Cover!

2010-03-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

Beloved dear ones! I am still alive and doing well on this end. It seems odd that I have taken such a leave of blogging; I'd been blogging since November of 2004...fairly consistently, too. But a reshuffling of priorities and responsibilities led me away from blogging for a while. I am not certain that I will return to blogging, but I did feel led to pop in to encourage my dear (dear!) head covering sisters.

I have been encouraged through correspondence with one of the ladies I interviewed for the covering book. She is a dear woman and we enjoy sending each other notes in the mail. I even went to visit an African-American head covering plain woman who lives close to my hometown. It was our first meeting. She started teaching me to knit, and I have grown to love it. I'm now learning to crochet, and think I might love it even more! A friend of mine who has crocheted for many years is planning to make me a couple of head coverings...I am eager for a change!

My one frustration (if you can call it that) is that I still struggle with how to wear my covering. I still do the wrap quite often, and have fiddled a little with a couple of other styles, but nothing else feels quite as comfortable as the head wraps. I am hoping my crocheted coverings will be a bit of a stylish change.

I still cover at home, but I will wear my hair "out" at times. It's growing longer and I really like it a lot. I'm always covered, though, if I am out in public without hubby. Not much has changed there.

How is your covering journey coming along, beloved? Does the act itself still remind you of your devotion to Christ and of natural order? Admittedly, there are many days I just put the cover on, and don't always think on the meaning, as I should. Do people still ask you why you cover, or treat you more respectfully because you do? An acquaintence from church asked me to speak to his wife about head covering. He really liked my covering (the head wrap style...different from how I'm wearing it on my profile pic), and wanted me to encourage his wife to cover the same way. I thought that was a conversation best had between the man and his wife. I really like his wife (very much), and I didn't feel led of God to speak to her on it, but I told her husband I'd be happy to encourage her on it after he talked to her about it and if she willing. He spoke with her and she was not doing cartwheels about the whole idea. Aggression is not the spirit of covering, remember? We're not trying to bang folks over the head with our head covering gospel! But I am certainly willing to encourage and walk alongside the woman who is curious about covering or feels led herself to cover. Have you had any new head covering experiences? I've had women come up to me in the grocery store, or in church, and ask about how I wrap my cloth. I've been known to take the whole thing off and give them a quick tutorial by wrapping it all over again! One woman told me that she had a friend who could wrap anything -- who could wrap a bed sheet and make it look good! Funny, right? I spoke with a couple of Muslim women at the grocery store and asked them where they get their hijab coverings. Come to find out, there is a little section of a middle-eastern grocery store, a short drive from my house, where I can find beautiful fabric and certain styles (a bit over-priced, plus the woman who waited on me spoke virtually no English...she could barely understand me and I could barely understand her). I bought a couple of items.

Hubby is now much more comfortable with my covering, and even made mention of yesterday's covering, which was a combo of some cloth I got at the aforementioned store and a covering I ordered from online. I think he liked it. I take the boys to the library quite often and we even checked out some children's books about girls and women who cover. We look at the pictures in the book I can say, "Look, boys. She wears a covering like Mama." But the boys LOVE when I wash my hair and wear it down. "Mama, your hair looks nice!" they say. And that's worth a million bucks.

My encouragment to you is to know the reasons that you cover. And once you do, beware the spirit of compromise. I'd mentioned this in another post some time ago. Your covering may make a lot of people uncomfortable, and sometimes it's not the easiest thing to do. But if you feel led of God to cover, then cover. And keep covering until God tells you otherwise.

Has your Lenten season been meaningful thus far, beloved? I trust you are drawing closer to God. Enjoy your spring, beloved. It's glorious!

Grace,
M

The Big Cover Up

2009-11-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a photo of me and the boys on Thanksgiving (how was yours, beloved?). I am usually covered, but was uncovered in this photo (remember hubby prefers me uncovered, though I think he's gotten quite accustomed to seeing my hair covered, and probably doesn't even mind my covering on most occasions, but I digress...); it occurred to me that the more my hair grows (it has grown lots since last winter) and the healthier and lovelier it becomes, the more aware I am of why I cover and why I need to cover.

During the times I am out with hubby and I am uncovered, my hair gets lots of attention. Lots. It moves. It bounces. After I wash it and do it, the boys like to see me run in place because they like to see my hair move and bounce (they are so sweet and always make me feel pretty). But yes, this is it, beloved: an uncovered head brings glory to me...I get all the attention. A covered head brings glory to God; He gets the glory for all the good in my life -- goodness that can be seen in the fruitful efforts of my life; my role as a wife and mother, and all the other hats I wear each day. My beauty becomes about something more, something greater, as well it should be. Physical beauty is fleeting, though I still find I have vanity issues to work through.

Our Thanksgiving was rich and full, and I trust yours was as well. I am learning to knit (thanks, Dianna!), and I'm really enjoying it. In my quieter moments I try to write and sort through my thoughts. I am in dire need of slowing down, and (long hand) letter writing and knitting help to remind me of this need. The boys don't slow down, but now that the weather is getting colder outside, they need direction in order to stay busy at home. We don't watch television through the week and both the boys and I are used to this routine. The holiday had me busy in the kitchen, and I got away from working with them on their letters and numbers and all that stuff. I am trying to redirect this week before things get busy again for Christmas. The boys are getting so big so fast. Our youngest outweighs our oldest, even though our oldest is taller. Such sweet boys they are.

I need to be getting to bed; I hope your week is off to a good start, beloved.

Grace,
M

Autumn Thoughts

2009-10-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year I relish most. I have such warm fondness for autumn, that each year I feel like I love it a little more. Not just the deep crimsons and the whimsical golds, but the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet brings back memories of past autumns: the song "Sweet November" (by the musical group The Deele, led by current R&B soloist Kenneth "Baby Face" Edmonds) which I loved (and still love) to sing; finding my first love, a boy of 14 who attended the same church I attended back in the 80s. There were rainy autumns and autumns pregnant with hope...like the one when I fell in love with the man who is now my husband. And there are sad and contemplative autumns, like autumn last year, when my father died.

But always there is the joy of sunny, crisp days and brisk, chilly nights. I love the idea of having to stay in and cozying up beside a warm cup of apple cider. I love turtleneck sweaters and long movies and the space to write and think that autumn brings. There's not the same hustle and bustle of summer, when we often over extend ourselves with activity upon activity, in an attempt to seize the warm days. I love making homemade bread and pumpkin soup (a loaf is baking and a pot are simmering now) and the cool, dry air. I like using my sewing machine and figuring out what home project I'll be working on next.

Okay, and I admit that it's easier to cover in the cooler seasons. I love a snug, fuzzy cap on my head and the added warmth that a colorful scarf brings.

And what of you? What do you like best about this season, beloved? Do tell. I am planning to make stops at all my favorite blogs. I haven't done that in what seems like ages.

Enjoy your day, dear ones...

Grace,
M

Ready for Sale

2009-09-26T12:52:00.001-07:00

We did it, beloved. The head covering book I've been working on all year is now ready for sale. You can click the book's image on my sidebar to order the book. Though the book will be available for purchase through Amazon in about 15 business days, you can still order directly from my e-store (where you'll be taken when you click the image) even after it's available through Amazon. If you have any questions about ordering, let me know.

Thanks for your patience, support, prayers and encouragement. They have not been wasted on me!

Oh, I changed my name on the sidebar, for consistency with the book (but you know I will always be Muhala Akamau!):-)

Enjoy your weekend, beloved...
M

Plugging Along

2009-09-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

Dear ones,
It is is terribly cloudy and muggy here for the second day of Autumn! I love Autumn and want to celebrate it with cooler weather, pumpkin soup and warm homemade bread. I am eagerly awaiting cooler temperatures.

I received the first proof of the book! Needless to say, there were endless edits, which I attended to right away. My second proof is on the way; I hope there is nothing left to change, and that the book will soon be available for purchase. Until then, though, follow this link for a preview.

More updates soon!

Grace,
M

A Change of Direction

2009-09-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

Beloved, thank you for your patience during my weeks of absence and intermittent blogging. I am still seeking to discern God's will with regard to frequent blogging, but I am always writing -- even when I'm not blogging. And all of you are not far from my thoughts and prayers. Pray with me, please, as I seek to discern God's will regarding writing in general, and blogging in particular. There are spaces and seasons for all things, I know. The boys are growing (so fast!), and are demanding more and more of my time and attention. My "Mommy" role gets bigger and bigger all the time, and I recognize it as my most important earthly work. I long to be faithful in it.

Good news with regard to the book! I have definitely found an open door in the option of self-publishing (which I used to thumb my nose at!), and have seemed to tackle the beast of formatting and editing an entire paperback (I have learned more about Word and PDF files than I ever thought I'd know...what a learning curve, this thing!). It has been a lot of work. A lot of frustration when I couldn't figure out this or that about formatting pages; a lot of research on the proper way to do this or cite that in a bibliography; I've found tenacity I never even knew I had...and the stubborn refusal to let anything stop me from getting this book in print...I suspect this all came from God. I have worked so very hard, beloved...for you and for me, and for all those many women just like us, who long with all their hearts to follow God obediently, whatever the cost.

I finished the tough work of gathering, formatting and submitting (indeed, as you know, the book has been finished for months!). The proof of the book is ready for order, and I will order it this evening. I should receive the proof copy of the book in a few days. When I receive the book, I'll read it from cover to cover. If everything is okay, I'll submit that it's ready for sale. If there is anything that needs changing (and, knowing me, I'll find something that needs changing -- despite the fact that it feels like I've read this thing a hundred times!), I'll correct the errors, re-submit a corrected PDF file, and then it should be ready for sale.

A few things first. The book is called Life as a Prayer: Recapturing the Wind of Head Covering. The list price is $9.99 (I wanted to make it affordable!), and once it's ready for sale, you will be able to order it through Amazon, and my little online store (that I need to work to set up, by the way!) Also, I've decided to take a big risk and use my full name. Many of you know that Muhala Akamau is my 'native' name (my hubby created it for me, so it's special). But I think I wanted to use Muhala Akamau out of fear...it felt safe, and it minimized my transparency. But with my whole name out there, I have only God to trust. I initially thought I'd use Muhala, so it's a tad uncomfortable to use Michele Barnes McClendon, but I think I will. But you will still know me by my face; I'm sure you will recognize me. I'll probably also change my profile 'display' name back to Michele, so as not to confuse folks who may visit the blog after they have ordered or read the book. I am hopeful that our dear community of sisterhood will be growing and deepening.

I have had my share of disappointments with the endeavor of this book. Pray with me, please, dear sisters, that this book will soon get into the hands of women who need it most. Pray that I have the stamina to stay the course with this project.

Stay tuned for more book details...particularly when it will be ready for purchase! Thank you for your love and prayers...I do miss connecting regularly with all of you!

And with that, I'm off. The boys need to be fed!

Enjoy your weekend, beloved.

M

Book Update

2009-08-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear ones...hope all is well with you this summer, beloved, and that you all are walking in
God's rich grace and deep, abiding love.

Many of you know that the book is finished (it has been for a couple of months now); I am actively pursuing publishing still. I was previously not a big fan of self-publishing; I think perhaps I thought it less 'legitimate', but now that I have begun to educate myself about self-publishing, I am finding out how little I really knew.

I still have so much confidence in this book...and I'm equally as confident that there are women out there (like you and me) who could benefit from its content -- particularly women who are curious about head covering or who are feeling led to cover, but are hesitant or otherwise uncomfortable with the idea of covering. We know full well how challenging a journey this can be when we feel it's a journey we must make alone.

So stay tuned. I have taken a break from blogging, but have not taken a break from actively working to get this book published. I hope to have more updates soon, so please check back.

Do enjoy the remainder of your summer, beloved. It is fleeting...

With Love,
M

Blogging Break

2009-07-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

News. One of the two publishers who requested the manuscript notified me today that the manuscript doesn't fit within their publishing needs. I'm disappointed, of course, but remember -- a manuscript request doesn't ensure publication. We watch, hope and pray, though. I am still encouraged in the Lord. The other publisher says it may take up to 3 months for them to give a decision. So, now I just wait.

I have been sensing that I need to take a break from blogging, but I have been dragging my feet about it. I love to write and I love to encourage you, ladies, and be refreshed by your love, commitment and faithfulness to God. Natasa, thank you for your warm heart and your encouraging card. You bless me, and I appreciate you! What a blessing to know you all, and I have often found refreshment and encouragement with you when I have found it in very few other places as I walk this covering journey. Thank you!!

I will pop in now and again, and you can always feel free to email me. Also, I'll let you know when I hear back from the other publisher.

One other thing: strive to be holy. Make it your mission to grow in godliness. I have found (and, indeed, am continuing to find) that it makes other Christians uncomfortable when we want to shut off a movie because of the violence and language; when we want to turn down our plates so that we can fast to better hear God's voice; when we want to cover a little more of our skin, or retreat from some of the more worldly endeavors we have pursued. Our indulgence in worldly pursuits and entertainments doesn't bother many Christians at all, but our retreat from them decidedly does. I've observed that far too many of us (me, included) have ushered worldliness into our front doors, and it has taken over the whole house. And not only have we failed to see this truth, but we cringe when others do. Sadly, many have lost the desire to be holy and to let holiness permeate the nooks and crannies of our lives. I love where James says: If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world (James 1:26-27).

Be encouraged in your covering, ladies. Keep to it. And beware the spirit of compromise.

Love to you all,
M

Recommit. Again.

2009-07-18T05:58:00.000-07:00

It seems the covering journey requires fresh commitments all the time. There are always those days that you could sneak by without it -- those moments when you think it's not all that necessary. Like today. I am meeting with some girlfriends from church; they always see me covered, so is it really necessary that I cover when attending a movie and dinner with them?

There are those days when you long to feel 'part of the crowd' again. There are certainly times when I think I am somehow more 'accessible' when I don't cover. I think perhaps my friends can relate to me better, or that perhaps I make them feel a tad less uncomfortable -- that I am still the same old Muhala.

But lately I've been thinking that I belong to covering and that covering belongs to me. It's what I've been called to. It's what I know. And, for now, anyway, it's what's right. It's not for others. It's not for me. It's for God. Walking out what we feel called to is not always an easy thing day after day after day. I'm trying to experiment with other covering styles, as I feel a little bored with my current one, and I long for something lighter with less fabric. It's easy to get by covered in the cooler months; wearing a heavier covering is cozy and warm. In the summer there are adjustments to make, but I still want to be covered from hairline to hairline...I just don't want to take 3 yards of fabric to do it in a way that appeals to me. I'm so struggling with that. But in the meantime, I still cover, trying not to let my frustration get the better of me.

Just a word of encouragement, ladies: don't be reluctant to commit afresh to this journey. Beware the spirit of compromise (the thrust of my deleted post) by minimizing the importance of covering and your call to it. Others will always have their opinions and their thoughts. Perhaps they mean no harm, but your covering is not their call to make. Remember how you got to this point. Remembery why you are here. Celebrate the call and walk it out in faithful obedience.

Connecting with a plain, headcovering, African-American sister, has inspired me to tone down flashy colors and patterns. I bought a few shirts from my favorite thrift store that are more simple and plain. And I feel more comfortable in them! I'm not saying that the Lord is calling me to be plain, but I do feel a call to simplicity, and sometimes that may mean more simple attire. Each of us has to determine how God is leading us as we continue to cover and move along in our covering journey. My dear, plain sister is taking lots of heat from her church over her covering. But she is sure. She is standing. And we must stand too.

Enjoy your weekend, beloved...

God's grace,
M

I Get By with a Little Help From My Friends

2009-06-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, beloved. I have sooo been away, I know. Whatever shall you do with me? Thanks for your patience; I know many of you have checked here frequently, hoping from some word from me. Well, I am indeed here!

Forgive my absence. I have thrown myself entirely into the book, somehow having balanced that great effort with mothering and caring for our home. Remember after reading my book proposal, a publisher requested the manuscript, but the manuscript wasn't yet finished? Well, I threw myself into finishing that thing, and indeed finished the manuscript before the late June deadline time. I emailed it to the publisher maybe a week and a half or so ago. I told the publisher that the bibliography/reference section would be forthcoming. I underestimated the difficulty of doing a bibliography/reference section, but that is another story altogether. I told myself that since I finished the manuscript, I'd take a little break before working on the bibliography. I was having such a nice break, too.

Until another publisher contacted me, and requested the manuscript! Yes, another publisher. I was floored.

The manuscript was done, no problem! But I still had this bibliography section looming over my head, and now I was in a push to get it done, now that two publishers would be expecting it! What a labor that thing was! What a sore underestimation on my part! Tonight, I finished what (I hope) will be the final draft of the bibliography/reference section. At this point, I'm ready to throw the manuscript, bibliography and all to whomever will have it...just don't let me look at the thing for another month! I honestly feel like I need a break. Yes, a real break. Still, I feel like I have a few good books in me, and I don't think I can say that I'll rest too long. There are so many things to say. So many things to be written.

So you know where things stand. I'm waiting to hear back from the two publishers. No guarantees either way, of course; but we do hope for the best. I couldn't have done it without your help! Your encouragement and prayers have meant so much. This has been a particularly lonely journey; this is not an easy book to write, but it's still necessary. A special thanks to Lisa, Joanna, Kim, Isidora, Sanil, Sandra, Regina and Amber. You, dear ones, are the heart of this project...I can't thank you enough!

How are you faring these days, beloved? The weather here is gorgeous...we are working on home projects, and I have fun tooling around in my flower garden, when I'm taking a break from the book. Working in the yard is making for good exercise. Today I shoveled and hauled dirt to the maple tree in the back yard. I hope to plant something beautiful around that big tree soon. We'll see.

Off to bed...it's late and I need rest!

Warmly,

All is Well

2009-05-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Beloved, all is going well. I told the publisher that the manuscript was not complete, but gave a late June projected completion date. They were more than agreeable, and for this I'm thankful.

The next step, of course, is to get the thing done already! To this end, my dear and beloved friend Christie has agreed to allow the boys and me to come to her house for a few days. I love Christie's home...not just the space of the house, but also the green space of her land. The boys can run around and play, and I can barricade myself in her attic and type till my fingers get weary. I think the Lord just laid the idea on my heart this past weekend. As if I needed a reminder how distracting my own home is, yesterday the phone rang constantly; there was dinner to cook; I get phone calls and visits from well-meaning friends and relatives (my father-in-law, God love him, has blessed me so much with garden plants, flowering trees, the promise of bulbs, garden books and we have enjoyable chats over coffee, which he appears to love even more than I) --- that's not to say I don't enjoy the visits, phone calls and the work of being a homemaker. Still, there are a million and one things to do around the house --- grocery shopping, gardening, laundry, housework, cleaning, ironing --- you name it. Of course there is so much involved with running a household (I know I don't have to tell you that, beloved!). A few days away will subtract from many of those distractions. I estimate being able to knock out a few chapters. At least I hope. I have 8 more chapters left to write, not including the one I'm working on now (the 6th one). I think the change of scenery would do the boys and I good. It's a six hour drive for which I'll need lots of prayer, beloved! I haven't ever liked long drives. Of course, I'd love to be able to bring my dear hubby along with me, but unfortunatly, his work hours are really long...usually somewhere around 12 hours or so. If the boys are late getting to bed, sometimes they see him, but other times they don't see him till morning. I know he's been having on his mind of late whether or not he wants to stay with his present job. Hubby and I are praying for God's guidance on this issue (the job situation), and feel confident He will lend it. Hubby loves his job. He's good at it, too. But the pay is far less than what he was making before, and we feel it. We trust God to show us the way to go.

Spring has sprung around here and the days find us outside working in the yard --- the boys with their little dump trucks and dirt, and me working to pull weeds and getting the flower beds ready. I do perennials, and my neighbor and I swapped seeds after harvesting them last year. Oh, she's got the most gorgeous marigolds that will burst into bloom in clay dirt! That woman can make anything grow. She also passed onto me some columbine seeds. Oh, how glorious! Last year was my first time doing any flowers, but I had such success I fell in love with it. I harvested the seeds and now expect to see in both my and my neighbor's yard, those glorious blooms I so enjoyed last year.

Now back to the work at hand...chasing these boys!

God's grace,
M

Back on My Feet

2009-05-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so me attempting to finish a manuscript in one weekend is outrageous. Not gonna happen. So I'm letting the publisher know my estimated completion date. I still hope they're interested. Meanwhile, I've gotta really hustle to get this thing done. I'll keep you all posted. I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you. The possibility that our story will be told thrills me to no end. I couldn't do any of this without you guys.

I appreciate your prayers!

Enjoy your weekend, beloved.
M

Oh My Goodness!!!!!

2009-05-01T09:21:00.001-07:00

A publisher got my proposal and wants to review the whole manuscript!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, there are no guarantees, so don't fall over backwards, but still!! Think I can finish this book in one weekend?!! Pray for me!!!!

More later,
M

A Visible Sign

2009-04-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

I should not be up at this hour. I told Ashunoah that I would be in bed by the time he gets out of the shower. He takes long showers, so that means I have maybe 10 minutes to write this post.

I sneak in writing this book whenever I can. Sometimes I have spare moments when I could be writing that I choose to spend on something else. Last week, I was stressed, and once I put the boys down, I'd watch the movies that my father-in-law had dropped off for me. I didn't want to think too hard about anything. This was out of the ordinary for me, as I'm not a big television watcher. I can always be doing something more productive, like praying, or reading a book. Or blogging. Last week I closed the door to my home office. I didn't want to work.

It's tough to have very many lofty goals when you have kids this young. But I am pressing forward. I spent the afternoon trying to steal moments to write a paragraph. Wait, no...maybe just a sentence or two. Seemed like every time I typed a few words, one of the boys would bring me up some (pretend)'oatmeal' or 'cream of wheat' for me to eat, which I would, then declare to them how yummy it was. They would then tell me that they were going downstairs to make some (pretend) toast, and would be back up. But it was okay...today I was feeling patient, so I obliged them. The interruptions were numerous, but it was okay. Always, the boys first. I tell myself that if the boys grow up never even realizing that their Mommy was a freelance writer then I will have obtained my greatest success. I need them to know how very much they mean to me. And yes, writing is important, but not more important than they are.

So, it's nearly 1 a.m. and I'm sitting here writing. I finished another chapter tonight --- I was determined to. Well, I should say that this chapter's rough draft is finished. I am amazed. The women I am writing about are amazing. Their stories are amazing, and the words of these women minister to me with every chapter I write. Their words stir me. Haunt me a little.

When I'm feeling high on my headcovering horse, Joanna comes and knocks me off. The beauty of her humility is so bright it's blinding. And when I'm questioning just how often I want to cover (why do I really need to cover when I'm around the house, anyway?), Amber comes along and reminds me of the practicality and devotion of covering all the time. Covering all the time was the first conviction of my heart. But it can get inconvenient, hot and a bit annoying. Amber reminds me what a beautiful grace it is. Her humor warms my heart. I am made richer by the women who open their hearts and lives to me so that their stories can be told. I get the very privileged task of weaving together all the beautiful fragments of their journey --- one piece here, another there, till before I know it, a chapter is completed.

My concern is that this book may be too long. All of the chapters are pretty long thus far, and if it's ever picked up by a publisher, I'm concerned they may want to slash, slash, slash. I feel protective of these women, of these stories. All the pieces that have brought them thus far are important --- every one of them, and I want to get their stories told with all the depth and candor they deserve. Well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

The shower water stopped. And with that, I'm off. I hope you're sleeping restfully, beloved.

Grace,
M

The Big, Long Skirt

2009-04-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

This skirt was almost bigger than me. But that's okay, because it did the job. I felt so great in this skirt. It gave me such great coverage, and I got some unexpected compliments, too, which was pretty surprising, as it's probably not likely to win any 'cute' awards. Still, it's practical, functional and best of all comfortable! Moreover, I loved the way it draped behind me when I descended a flight of stairs; I felt like such a girl. :-]

Waiting for Sons

2009-04-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is the sort of motherhood thing that I so looked forward to. Children pulling dandelions, or other flowering weeds, from the yard and presenting them to Mommy. My boys know I love flowers, so these are ones Obi picked for me today. Aren't they sweet?

Obi is a dear child. Last night, as I was giving the boys a bath, he told me, "Mommy, I'm your husband." I said, "Oh, really? What does that mean then, if you are my husband?" His answer (so sweet, even if it really didn't make any sense!) was, "Um, I just thank God. I just thank God that I'm your husband.

I told Obi that this was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. But that he couldn't be my husband, because Daddy was. Hubby said that Obi declaring that he was my husband shows that he is beginning to understand commitment and devotion --- that both boys are, because our youngest said that he wanted to be Miss Kristin's husband (one of my longtime girlfriends), and then Obi said that he was going to be Madison's husband (Kristin's daughter). So, yeah. I guess they are beginning to understand commitment. I do love that they see their Daddy doting on me. I want them to know how special a marriage relationship really is.

Truth and the Delicacy of Life

2009-04-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some ducking and dodging in my life recently and, well, not so recently. A family member of mine had been disregarding some boundaries in my life, only I didn't recognize it as a boundary issue at first. It just felt like she was driving me crazy with all the phone calls and excessive information on her soured marriage. Maybe it's age --- perhaps now that I'm 40, I'm a little tired of not speaking up. Maybe it's not age at all, but God giving me opportunities for authenticity in my relationships. Whatever the case, I sometimes avoid speaking up because I don't like confrontation, I don't want to feel uncomfortable, and I hate the thought of hurting someone's feelings. I wasn't sure how she'd take it, but she actually responded quite well. I think defined boundaries has given our relationship some much needed balance.

And there's another one: my neighbor, Willow (not her real name). Willow is a little girl of ten years of age. We've lived in our house for nine years, so that means we've known Willow for mostly her whole life. She wasn't talking well for about the first 3 years. But when she finally got a grasp on the English language, boy, did she immerse herself in it! "Miss Muhala, can Zwahara and Teshumawe come over and play? Wait, which one is Zwahara?" or, "Miss Muhala, can your dog come over and play?" or, "Miss Muhala, can you tell Mr. Ashunoah that I have something for him when he gets home?" If she is not overwhelming you with questions upon first sight of you, she is talking your ear off while you try to get into the car, bring in groceries or pull weeds in your flower garden.

I'd try to accommodate her when I felt up to it, or I'd just roll my eyes in irritation. Then I was like, "Wait a minute. I'm the adult, she is the child. Why am I ducking and dodging her?" I was determined to have a little talk with her the next time I saw her. And try to remember that Jesus loves the little children. All the little Willows of the world.

My opportunity to talk with her came at a time when I was already irritated with the boys, and she was calling from her back yard into my open window asking me to come out. "Willow, I need to talk with you," I called out through my dining room window. And I was glad I took the time to walk outside to our fence, instead of talking to her through the window (those few moments provided me the opportunity to calm down a bit and remember that I should be delicate --- that she is just a little girl).

I spoke to her calmly, but firmly, about boundaries and the importance of respecting people's personal space, and not overwhelming us with questions every time she sees us. I told her there might be times that the boys would go over to play, or times when I might let my dog go over to entertain her, but that she ought to let me offer, and that she should refrain from asking so much. She seemed embarrassed, but she also seemed to understand what I was saying. She is a smart girl. But there was also something else. As we continued to stand and talk over the fence (well, over the fence for me, through the fence for her; she's not very tall), she told me some things about herself that I never knew. Like the fact that her grandmother is raising her because her mother was, and probably still is, doing drugs. She mentioned that her birthday would be coming up and that she'd soon be turning ten. I made a big deal about it, but she told me that her mother doesn't always come to visit on her birthday; that in fact, she may not even see her on her birthday this year. She made a reference to the man who was actually her "real" father, as opposed to the man whom she took for her biological father. It's clear that her grandmother provides her with some much needed stability. I felt so sad that this little girl had a mother who really didn't seem to care for her. Her grandmother is not married, nor is Willow's mother. Most of our neighbors are either single, divorced or widowed. I reasoned that Ashunoah and I probably provide Willow with the best and strongest example of a loving marriage. During that same conversation, Willow and I talked about a lot of things. I learned things about her that I'd never known before. I think, for the first time in 9 years, that we actually connected on a meaningful level. Look how delicate life is! Here, I'd come to "speak my mind" and ended up confronted by Willow's great need, and met also by my own compassion, which I was not expecting to meet.

Today is Willow's birthday, and I told her I would make some jewelry for her which, of course she got excited about. I told her that after church, we usually take a nap, but later in the afternoon, I'd come and get her so we could make jewelry. She was so pleased.

It's been a long and draining weekend and we all needed the nap like nobody's business. As I lay there taking in the warm breezes from our open bedroom windows, I heard a voice, carried on the wind, drifting up and floating to my ears: "Miss Muhaaaaala! Miss Muhaaaala..."

Enjoy your Sabbath, beloved.

Grace,
M

Around the House

2009-04-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

This was today's lunch. Yum. But let's keep it real: it is not cheap to make a salad with colorful greens, raw vegetables and fruit, seeds and a salad dressing that's as delicious as it is healthy. It feels good putting good things into our bodies, but why must it cost so much? Wait, don't answer that. I think I already know. Still, I wish it were less expensive to make better choices. Ashunoah's grandfather found out yesterday that he has a malignant growth on his colon. Surgery is planned soon to remove it. Last week, we buried Ashunoah's dear aunt who lost her battle with breast cancer at only 55 years of age. This is all so tragic. I can't help but wonder if our dietary choices have anything to do with our constant health maladies.

The whole back and side of our house has been dug up. What a mess! But we intend to put all that dirt back once we remedy the problem and there's no longer water leaking into our basement. Hubby, his cousin and his dad spent most of this past weekend working on this project. The boys wanted to help, of course, but can only do so much. It's been raining a lot, too, and this doesn't help matters any!

I love my guys!!

Walking, Standing, Sitting

2009-04-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

I had this post all planned out for this afternoon. But I just couldn't break away from the boys, nor did I feel I should. Our 2-year-old (Bo-Bo) is a sweet and mopey soul. He mopes around hoping to happen upon a snack ("Mama, I want some pancakes!") or some comfort food ("I want some cream of WHEAT!") or anything else remotely resembling edible pleasure. When he can't eat, he wants to help out ("Mama, I want to HELP you!"), so I knew I had to find some task to dig into, so that he could come along and help out. So that's what I did.

I sorted through my closet(s) and pulled out items for the local Salvation Army. Bo-Bo helped. Too many clothes! Though the closets in our house are small, my goal is to fit all of my clothes into our small bedroom closet that I share with Ashunoah. As it is, we have clothes in our bedroom closet, as well as clothes in the guest bedroom closet. Then you must sort through the colder-weather clothing, pack them away and pull out the warmer weather clothing. So, my neighbor has a friend who had decided she has too many clothes. My neighbor discovers that I am her friend's size. She tells her friend. So I regularly get very nice, higher-end clothing items from this very nice woman I've never met. And also, if you lived as close as I do to the best thrift store in the city, you'd probably end up with a bunch of stuff too. But I am not one to accumulate much, so my closet gets downsized on a regular basis, particularly when I feel the Lord is telling me to simplify my life.

In this last batch of clothes passed onto me by the very nice woman I've never met, there were several skirts. Here's where the tide starts to turn for me a bit. I know there are women who feel led to wear skirts or dresses all or most of the time. Quite honestly, I've never felt led in this way. Most folks would describe me as very feminine, whether I'm in a pair of comfy jeans, slacks or a long skirt (I don't do short skirts anymore), and most times I just feel more comfortable in jeans or slacks. But as I'm writing this book, I was reading through some pages of one of the women I'm writing about. She mentioned something about feeling like skirts and dresses show off less of our "assets" than slacks or jeans. Hmmm. Okay, I'd be willing to consider that. I don't think I'd ever heard it worded quite that way, or maybe I just wasn't listening before. I don't know. I know there are some slacks I may never give up, as you can't beat them in terms of comfort. For me, the BIG thing? Comfort. Comfort all the way. Sometimes comfort can come before style. I want clothes that move with me, clothes that don't bind, pinch, pull, separate or otherwise show skin I don't want revealed (midriff, lower back, chest area or legs). So, the nice lady I've never met who sends me clothes? This time she sent me skirts. Cotton ones. Ankle-length cotton ones. A-line, ankle-length, cotton skirts. Okay, they weren't too cute, but why was I loving them?! Because they were amazingly comfortable! Add to this a pair of cute, comfy sandals, a t-shirt and I'm good to go! So, in essence, if I wound up having more of these ankle-length "flowy" skirts, some of my jeans and slacks might get kicked to the curb. We take it a day at a time.

Similarly, many of my dear sisters feel led to grow their hair long(er). I've never really been in that camp, either. But guess what's been happening the past few weeks? My hair is growing, and I like it. No, I mean I really like it. Okay, so I joke, "Um, hi...1983 called and said she wants her hair back", but I love its fullness and body. It could easily become (more of) a vanity thing, but the headcovering cuts right into that. Just cover that sweet glory right on up.

A couple of weeks ago, Ashunoah and I watched a movie called Brick Lane that my mother-in-law recommended. It looked a lot like the movies I'm drawn to -- independents with an interesting plot. I think I've gotten hubby to like indie flicks, too, but action and suspense are still our favorites. And documentaries. Or maybe that's mostly me. But I digress. So this movie seemed right up my alley. Only it had adultery as a pretty big part of the plot. Hubby and I don't dig movies about adultery. They just serve to tick us off. And of course hubby and my mother-in-law end up having a spirited exchange after the movie was over. I'll spare you those details. But check it out: the female lead in the movie was an Indian woman living in India who covered all the time. She had been married for 16 years or so, and had a couple of kids. Her husband was a really good guy, much older than his wife, overweight, not terribly interesting, but very loving and kind. Of course the male lead was single, young, handsome, mysterious, passionate and very interesting. Their connection started out very innocently. She was doing some sewing on the side, in her home, to make extra money. He would drop off clothes that needed alterations. At the beginning, whenever this man showed up at her house, the married woman was always covered from head to toe --- especially her head. You could tell that she was very unaccustomed to showing her hair to anyone but her husband and kids. She'd be holding the head covering in place, to make sure no hair peeked out from any end. Then the attraction came. As it did, you could see the gradual change in the woman by the way her relationship to her headcovering changed. Ashunoah was very sensitive about this, and I was impressed that he really took notice. At the onset of the attraction, the woman still covered her head, but maybe she didn't pull the fabric as close to her head as she once had. She wasn't as concerned about making sure every square inch was covered. As the attraction further progressed, she grew more cavalier about her head covering --- it might drape loosely around her head. Later, the head covering moved further back on her head, exposing more of her hair. Still later, the covering draped loosely around her neck. By the peak of their passion, the man (still coming into her home --- this is where they conducted their affair) would knock on the woman's door and she would now greet him with no headcovering at all.

Isn't this something to really consider? Covering has great value in our lives, and I really enjoy having an outward sign of my devotion both to God and to my husband. But sin is sneaky, is it not? Remember the first Psalm? First you are walking, then you are standing, next you are sitting. Sin can sidle up to you that way sometimes....it's smooth and gradual. Sometimes you might not even feel it's happened. I loved the spiritual parallels I found in this movie (we are always looking for them!), and the way it provided a deeper understanding of why women cover, and what can sometimes happen when we don't. To be sure, we can sin with or without a covering. The issue in the movie was the woman's heart. As it drew closer to sin, and the full manifestation of that sin, it cared less about any outward sign or what that sign represented. I'm not saying I recommend this movie. I'm just saying that I got tossed lemons and tried to make lemonade. All in a day's work.

And with that, beloved, it's good night...

Grace to all,
M
P.S. Movie Spoiler (beware): I should say that at the end of the movie, the woman let the lover go, and seemed to understand that there were different kinds of love. She deemed the love she had for her husband to be the lasting kind. Hooray!

Made it Through in One Piece!

2009-04-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the night I spoke to the group of college students; I've been preparing this talk for weeks...felt a little sick in the stomach about it too. I am SO not a front and center person and I totally don't dig public speaking. I basically showed up to speak to a room of 30-35 students I didn't know at all. They didn't know me, either. I was just this new face in the crowd and I was incredibly nervous. You have no idea. The last time I felt this scared, I was being rolled into an operating room to get a total hysterectomy. That's just about how scared I felt. I had absolutely no idea what the whole evening would look like and for me that's often the most challenging part: not being able to anticipate what's going to happen. That element of 'not knowing' just does me in. As I drove the nearly 30 minutes (the 'scenic route') to my old college town (I was speaking to a group of Christian athletes at my alma mater), I kept singing that old song taken from one of the Psalms: "When I am afraid I will trust in You, I will trust in You, I will trust in You. When I am afraid I will trust in You, in God whose word I praise..."

It was a good night. I made plans to do an ice-breaker which got everyone warmed up and a bit more relaxed with me, and me with them. It was a great ice-breaker and everyone loved it. So did I.

I took my notes, but ended up not using them, as it just wasn't the format to use them, and I think I was slightly more comfortable not being so dependent on them. I was actually surprised when I got a couple of laughs at the beginning of my talk. I think that helped to relax me a lot. I also tossed in a couple of interesting stories which really seemed to drive home some of my points, and the students seemed to really relate. I talked a lot about having Christ's lordship in every areas of our lives --- not just the big areas, but also the small nooks and crannies of our lives which reflect our Christian witness just as much. I talked about loving our neighbors in ways that cost us something, and ended up telling the story of how we recently loaned our second car to someone we knew who needed to use it. She ended up getting into a car accident with it, and our car was totaled so we had to junk it out. Sometimes it turns out great, and sometimes it turns out not so great, but my challenge to them was to still love their neigbor in ways that cost them something because it will always reap eternal rewards.

I also talked to them about cultivating a heart of gratitude and embracing self restraint. Lastly, I spoke of living their lives as if eternity matters. I told them there's never a time where you feel like you will live forever more than in your youth. I also said that this culture doesn't teach its young about death, dying and the truth of mortality. I encouraged them to formulate an eternal perspective that affects all of their decisions, thoughts and actions. Before I knew it, it was time to wrap up. I hated that my husband couldn't be there for the whole talk, but I was sooo thankful to see him there toward the end. Of course, I had my head covered...I felt a little vulnerable to be quite honest. There were lots of young men there (emphasis on the men); I am much more comfortable speaking with women. But this is a Christian group of young women and men; that just couldn't be helped. After the talk, a few of the students came up to me and told me how much they enjoyed the talk. One young man asked how he can best implement Christ's lordship in all of those small areas. His question touched me a lot, and I could sense his desire to please the Lord. One girl asked for my address, and still another spoke to me about her desire to adopt (she knows that we have adopted children). All in all, it was a lovely evening, and I was so glad it was over I could have skipped down the street. You have no idea how much of a huge hurdle this was for me to get over!

Now that that is done, I can throw myself back into the book. I am making really good headway, and am still sending proposals and queries out to various Christian publishers. I have another one to get out this week, as a matter of fact. Thanks to all of you who have worked with me and have helped me to tell your stories in ways that will encourage other women who may be new to covering or who may have an interest in it. Aside from working on the book, I hope to soon be throwing myself into gardening and painting our kitchen. Last year we bought ceramic tile on sale at Home Depot. This year, the plan is to get it installed, but I do want to paint before that's done. I'll try to post some 'before' pics of the kitchen and maybe some shots as I'm working on it, then 'after' pics.

To my faithful readers, thank so much for your patience while I prepped for the speaking engagement and worked on the book a bit more. I felt I really wanted to focus more on those things, so I put my blogging on the back burner. I have so missed catching up with each of you; I hope to do some blogging "rounds" soon, and will try to catch up with each of you on your blogs. I'm eager to find out what's new with all of you.

Until then, grace to you, beloved. Thank you so much for your prayers!

Muhala

Waiting for Judas

2009-04-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

In my Lent devotional, Bread and Wine, Madeleine L'Engle takes from her own"Waiting for Judas" and writes:

...And when we meet our Creator, we will be judged for all our turnings away, all our inhumanity to each other, but it will be the judgment of inexorable love, and in the end we will know the mercy of God which is beyond all comprehension...

...There is an old legend that after his death Judas found himself at the bottom of a deep and slimy pit. For thousands of years he wept his repentance, and when the tears were finally spent he looked up and saw, way, way up, a tiny glimmer of light. After he had contemplated it for another thousand years or so, he began to try to climb up towards it. The walls of the pit were dank and slimy, and he kept slipping back down. Finally, after great effort, he neared the top, and then he slipped and fell all the way back down. It took him many years to recover, all the time weeping bitter tears of grief and repentance, and then he started to climb up again. After many more falls and efforts and failures he reached the top and dragged himself into an upper room with twelve people seated around a table. "We've been waiting for you, Judas," Jesus said. "We couldn't begin till you came."

Touching Base

2009-03-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

I have missed blogging, dear sisters! But I sensed the Lord might be pulling me away so that I could focus better on some other projects at hand (of course I haven't started prepping for the talk I'll be giving next month, but let's talk about something else...!). I've been spending some time in books on Liturgy and the Book of Common Prayer. We go to a non-denominational church (which I used to think was pretty cool --- that is, the fact that our church is non-denominational, but now I'm having second thoughts about that, but anyway...). I'm so drawn to liturgy, and I've no idea why, really. So I'm reading to get to the heart of this thing. I actually stumbled on the Book of Common Prayer and am sad that I'm only now coming to a knowledge of it! Also, I've been devoting myself heavily to the book and to getting more chapters done. Last week I sent close to 10 queries out to 10 different Christian publishers. I worked on more chapters, because many of the publishing companies were requiring more chapters completed as a part of the whole book proposal. There are endless publishers, so it seems, and there is endless waiting...up to 12 weeks or more before you hear a single word. Some (surprisingly more than I thought) are asking for much more than a proposal; some publishers are asking, for example, for suggested marketing plans on how to effectively reach my intended target audience by selling at least 10,000 copies of the book within in a two year time frame! They want to know why people will want to buy this book; they want to know how I will be perceived as the author and they want to know (well known? famous?) folks who might want to endorse the book. Some book proposals are less like book proposals and more like college majors. Ashunoah said, "If you give them all that, then what on earth do you need THEM for?" I said, "I know! I'm not a marketing strategist, I'm a writer!" To which he said, "And on top of that, you could give them all the marketing strategies, possible endorsers, consumer contact points and competitive consumer benefits there are, and they could STILL turn you down!"

Totally true.

Even when I feel like I must have surely lost my mind to work on this book, I continue to pursue its completion, anyway. And I'm still continuing to send out the proposal. Since I'm looking at a pretty good wait with regard to hearing from the publishers, I continue to knock out chapters. I do solicit your prayers, dear sisters, as I've had some really doubtful and discouraging moments of late. And not just where the book is concerned. I've been entertaining head covering doubts far more than I should be, and more than I have in quite a while. "Does it really make a difference?" I think to myself. I'm pretty sure we've all entertained such doubts as we trodded along in our covering journey. Someone I am writing about in the head covering book (forgive me, the name escapes me; these women's stories and experiences feel so interconnected, it's hard to remember where one leaves off and the next begins) said she sometimes feels as though people are just waiting for her to stop covering. Like if they wait long enough, she'll eventually fold. I feel that way, too, sometimes. Shoot...I sometimes feel it about myself! I ask myself, is this just some sort of weird phase? Lord knows I've had enough of those in my 20 year journey following Christ! It seems I'm always going through some radical phase. Just ask my husband!

This morning, though, I felt a little less doubtful. And then we went to church. Our next door neighbor ended up visiting our church (she's a member of another church in our neighborhood, but we'd invited her before and she came today). She sneaked up on us and said, "Surprise!" It was a delight to see her. The winter can be such an isolating time; we are all indoors all winter long and then when we see our neighbors again, it's like it's been years! In the fall our boys were still 'babies', but when the spring comes and they show up outside in the back yard, they've grown like bean stalks! Our oldest is all arms and legs, and though I see him every day, I wonder how he got to be so tall! But I digress...

So our neighbor (such a dear thing) comes up to me and says, "Girl, you got to get over to the Good Will. I was over there yesterday and they got all those (typically Muslim) outfits with the long tunic over the pants, and they have the headcovering too...cuz you know they cover their heads, too. But yes, girl, the whole outfit with the headcoverings for SEVEN dollars! You better get yourself ova there!" (Once you meet Toni you will never forget her. She is boisterous and loud, but we love her so).

So I'm standing there, and I'm listening to her, right? I'm thinking, who told her I cover my head?? Because I certainly didn't! And I've hardly seen Toni all winter long --- I might catch a quick glimse of her as I'm getting into our car and she is getting into hers....that's been about the extent of it since Christmas. Okay, so either the neighbors are talking about me walking around with my head covered, or hubby told them. At any rate, Toni seemed so supportive, like she would have bought the outfits for me right then if she knew my size! So, that goes to show, you never know who is watching you. I'm sure on the side of the church where we sit (the kids section; ours is a pretty big church so you can go weeks without seeing someone who is there every Sunday) members and friends have noticed the head covering. After I talked to Toni (and she told me she had a Good Will coupon for me for 20% off), a friend of hubby's told me that he liked my head covering. Imagine! I was pretty close to hijab today, so I was sort of surprised that he said that. I guess if you must cover, ours is not a bad town to live in. I see Muslim women quite often and from what I can tell, they don't get odd stares. They seem pretty comfortable. But that's just my impression. I could totally be wrong. I can see, though, how others might feel differently living in different areas of the country. Also, I live in a well-integrated area, and there are a lot of African-Americans like me. Black women wear scarves and hats on their heads quite often, especially if they are having a bad hair day, or didn't feel like fussing much with it.

Lots more to say, but the boys need fed. There's another thing that's happened with us lately. More on that later.

Be encouraged, dear ones.

Grace,
Muhala

Fifteen Years and a Blogging Break

2009-03-06T18:27:00.001-08:00

Ashunoah and I had a lovely evening last night celebrating 15 years of marriage (and also my 40th birthday)...what joy! The boys hung out with some of our friends from church, and they had lots of fun; I don't think they were quite ready for us to return for them!

We have been taking a photo of ourselves on our anniversary each year, but unfortunately we didn't think to do this from year one. We've only been doing it since year 6 or 8 or something like that. Anyway, it's nice to see how we grow and change. After all these years now, I can't imagine being with anyone else!

Blogging Break

I will be taking a blogging break for a while. Of course, I love blogging and connecting with you, my dear sisters. But I need to focus: I'm feeling God is calling me to more spiritual reading and study; indeed, these are the ways I grow and develop. I can always feel when I'm beginning to get hungry for connecting with the Lord more deeply through spiritual reading and study, and I am about at that point! Moreover, I am giving a talk to a group of college students next month, and I need to be diligent and begin to prepare for that. Lastly, I need to free up some time to get more focused on the head covering book. The more women who email me, the more excited I become, and the more I see how necessary and timely this book really is. Please know I'm only an email away. If you are still interested in sharing a bit of your headcovering story for the book, please email me! During the next few weeks, I'll be sending the proposal out to more and more Christian publishers. Pray with me, please, that God will lead this thing in the direction that pleases Him most. I want to see Him glorified and women encouraged...that is my heart's intent. I'll be sure to keep you all posted. I can't thank you all enough for your incredible support and words of encouragement. I value you more than you know! I'll be back in just a few weeks.

Take good care of one another till I come back!

Grace,
Muhala

Why I Love Dove's Message

2009-03-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Forty

2009-02-25T05:49:00.000-08:00

My husband. You gotta love his creativity.

Last Friday he came home early from work, which I expected. But he complained about his stomach bothering him, and said he needed to head to the bathroom (need I say more?).

Within the next half hour, my cousin calls to tell me that she's stranded at a hotel, locked her keys in her car, and has now called everyone in her phone book, and I am the last person who she's trying. Can I come and pick her up? Sure, I said. But that was after I asked hubby if he could go, as I needed to stay and get the boys dressed. He told me he needed to stay near a bathroom, and that he could get the boys dressed and I could pick up my cousin.

I had to pick her up at a hotel, where she was giving some sort of presentation to some clients she had. Wasn't this a nice hotel, she wanted to know. Sure, I said. It's really nice. Did I have time for my cousin to show me some of the rooms? They are really nice rooms, she insisted. Of course, I didn't have the time, since it was early Friday and I had plenty to do at home! But I told her it was no problem, and she took me up to the 4th floor and let herself into one of the rooms with a key. Yep, they were really nice rooms. Contemporary and stylish. Then I noticed a envelope in a chair there in the room. The handwriting looked familiar. I got this eerie feeling of deja vu right before I asked her "What's that envelope for?"

"That's actually for you," she answered calmly.

"For me?"

"Yep. For you."

Oh, no. I'd be had once again!

I opened the envelope and it was a note from Ashunoah. He was thanking me for all I do for the boys and him. He told me he wanted me to have the whole weekend to focus on me, so this would be my hotel room for the whole weekend. He said he knew I had the big prayer event I had to orchestrate for our adoption ministry, but he said he would help me with whatever I needed. He told me this was the only weekend he could book this time for me at this very special hotel. He told me to go home and pack a bag, and to take my journal, books, movies, headcoverings (on this line he told me that I was his glory...how sweet!) and whatever else I might need for my retreat weekend. I was floored. Hubby is good for stuff like this, but it had been a few years. But once again, I'd been had.

My cousin never locked her keys in her car. Hubby never had stomach problems that would keep him on the toilet; it was all a ploy to get me to the hotel!

I was thrilled, needless to say! I went home and finished cooking the items I needed to prepare for the Prayer Event (to be held Saturday morning), and I finished a load of laundry I had started. Hubby took over from there: he got the boys dressed, cleaned the kitchen, and in general was at my service for whatever I needed in order to get me back to the hotel as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, I didn't get back to the hotel till early evening. I went into my delightful little hotel room and looked around. Truly this place was beautiful. But wait! There was another note from hubby there in the same chair where I'd found the first note! This note said for me to get settled in and to be back downstairs in the hotel restaraunt by 7:30 p.m. sharp.

I got settled in, unpacked, and was enjoying some alone time when the phone rang at 7:00. I jumped! It was such a loud ring in so quiet a place! The voice on the other end was a woman's, and she told me it was time to come down for dinner.

Was Ashunoah coming to have dinner with me? Had he gotten a sitter for the kids?

No. That would be too simple!

I took the elevator down to the first floor, and when the elevator doors opened to let me out, there were five of my closest friends sitting there, waiting to see the expression of surprise on my face. My jaw dropped!

Hubby had arranged for my friends to 'surprise' me with a nice birthday dinner at the restaurant in the hotel. He even gave them a dinner 'allowance'...how sweet and thoughtful! My friends came bearing gifts (though I won't turn 40 till next Thursday), and we had a delightful evening talking and laughing. Only two of them knew each other, but they all became friends by the end of the evening. We all agreed that this very same group needs to get together again soon, so much did we enjoy our time together! I told them I would be personally responsible for making it happen.

On top of that, hubby made arrangements for one of the five friends to share my room with me on Friday night, and another to share my room on Saturday night. I had a delightful time staying up and chatting with two of my close friends --- one on each night. Oh, I had such a hard time saying good-bye to the boys on Friday afternoon! I felt like I wanted to cry. I'd never been apart from my boys overnight! (I think Zwahara [Obi] was too over it too. Hubby said that he peed on himself TWICE that weekend. He hadn't done that in weeks! Teshumawe seemed to do okay, but fell into my arms when he saw me again on Sunday). But when I got ready to check out on Sunday morning, I felt near tears. The wonderful weekend just wasn't long enough!

Ashunoah got me the most lovely bag (green, my favorite color...I'm passionate about green!), and two beautiful scarves. Since we were married on my 25th birthday, it doesn't usually feel like my birthday is a day just for me. But this year, it feels like hubby gave me a day just for me --- indeed, a whole weekend! How thoughtful and loving!

Seems he's grown much more comfortable with my covering. I thanked him for his support and generosity, too. Sometimes he might not like something new that I introduce into our lives and our marriage, but by in large, he grows supportive over time. And he can't possibly know how much that means to me. There is hope, dear sisters. There is a delicate thing called hope.

This Week's Thrifty Find

2009-02-18T18:34:00.001-08:00

You know I love my thrifty finds, and I often tell my hubby if we moved away from this area, I don't think I could bear leaving my local thrift store behind! I wouldn't know how to act if I had to pay full retail price on clothing and shoes.

I paid $4 for these boots, that hardly look worn at all. I actually found them by accident. I saw another woman holding them when I passed her in the thrift store, and I said, "Wow, those are nice!" She said, "Yeah, but they're not my size. They're a six and a half. Are you a six and a half?" My eyes widened, and I said, "YES!" Now, I know that sometimes you need to get your boots a half size larger, but I was still hoping these puppies would fit. They do, and they're pretty comfortable too! I was very pleased, and they wear well with jeans and long skirts. Gotta love that!

Fun with Fabric

2009-02-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

Finally I get this bun right! Not sure whether it's the fabric or the technique, but of all the ways I can wield a head wrap I have struggled with the seemingly simplest technique! Wish me continued success...

Mama by Day, Writer by Night

2009-02-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

I can't thank all of you enough for your outpouring of support on this head covering book effort. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to get myself into such things. What on earth would make me think I have the time and energy to pull together such a tall, tall order? Yet, I am convinced -- now more than ever -- that this is so much bigger than me, and that there is far greater a need for such a book than I earlier realized. So, a couple of things I need from you, if you will, dear ones:

1. Write me. I need your stories. Your stories will constitute the "real" experiences that women just like you and me will want (need!) to read about; it's these stories that will make up the "meat" of the book. Email me at write2muhala@gmail.com. Tell me a little bit of your story. Already women have responded, and I am just amazed at how unique everyone's story is! I may not be able to use all of your stories, but please don't assume that your story isn't unique! Please continue to write me and tell me a bit about yourself and your covering story. Please be patient with me. I will respond to every email I receive; it might take me a couple of days, but I will respond.

2. Pray for me. I'm just amazed that there are so many women out there who are new, or fairly new to covering. I think for every woman who finds this blog, there are many more looking for a supportive community of some sort --- they want to know they are not crazy, and that there really are other women out there just like them that have chosen to cover. Please pray that God's divine purpose would be accomplished and that this proposal will be accepted, if it pleases Him. Also, pray for me as I balance being a wife, a mother to toddlers and a homemaker while caring so much about seeing this book effort through to the end. I definitely need your prayers!

3. Pass the word around. Maybe you know someone who might want to share her story, too. Pass along my information to those you know who might be interested in partnering with this project. Already I have to thank readers who have passed along my info to someone they know who feels led to share their story. A special thanks also to those of you who have posted information on your blogs, linking here to my blog. I am moved almost to tears as I read your stories. It's amazingly apparant to me that God is in this thing. It's just amazing.

It's late and I need to be in bed. Thank you all, dear sisters. I am far more thankful for you than you can know.

God's grace...

You Don't Have to Understand; You Just Have to Obey

2009-02-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

These are the words that have been on my spirit a lot this week. Sometimes I think the Lord is speaking something to me, and I wrestle with it and wrestle with it. I have these little dialogues in my head about why I don't need to do thus and so because it doesn't make sense, or that it wouldn't be in the best interest of yada, yada, yada to do thus and so, and it wouldn't be a wise move, and think about the long-term ramifications --- blah, blah, blah.

Some of you know that I am working on a book about head covering. Last week I finally finished the long and laborious toil of the book proposal. This thing would get me up in the morning before the boys woke. I would write and write. And I would stay up too late writing, after I put the boys to bed. Seems like I ate and breathed the thing until it was finally done and mailed to the publisher. I need your prayers and your help. More on that in a bit.

So I finished this beast of thing --- wrote drafts, proofed, re-proofed and proofed some more till I just wanted to get the darned thing out of my hands. Still, God had been nudging me about letting Ashunoah read the sample chapter that was a required part of the book proposal.

Oh, if you only knew me! I can be terribly sly and it's nothing I'm proud of. Well, Ashunoah knew I was working on a book proposal (he knows I'm a writer, no big thing), but he didn't ask what I was writing about, so I didn't (yet) mention it. Finally, I casually worked it into the conversation that the "women" in the "head covering" "book" I'm "writing" and the "book proposal" this, that and the other. Finally, he got the big picture that I'm doing a book on the (re) emerging head covering movement. He was really kind of laid back about it (he's that sort of guy...mostly), and nodded and just kept right along.

Days would pass and I'd be up early working on the proposal, or up till late at night working on the proposal (in between those two extremes I'm busy running after two toddlers who don't like to see me sneak up to my office to write for 30 minutes. "Mama! Come downstairs, Mama!"...so off I go).

He saw me working on that thing and he began to champion me on. He went out and bought me nice folders to put the proposal in so I could submit it in an attractive package; he bought special, better quality, heavier paper to print out the many pages of the book proposal on. One night he even told me he was proud of me for working so hard on this thing!

That, in and of itself, is a testimony, as many of you know he was not leaping for joy when I told him I felt led to cover. And even after he was "fairly okay" with me sometimes covering, he was never thrilled with it, and we still had some bumps in the road over the covering. It's been some road, that's for sure. To hear him say he was proud of me for working so hard on this thing was pretty amazing, but I'm not naive enough to think that there may not ever be any more bumps over the covering issue. But, I am most thankful for what I have. The Lord, dear ones, has shown me much grace.

I mailed the proposal on Thursday, but before that I was doing more proofing and editing and printing. And I felt the Lord nudging me about letting hubby read the sample chapter. Oh, I was resisting, beloved. Oh, that you could be a fly on the wall of my brain! I was like, "Okay, Lord. I'll do it. I think. No, wait. I can't do it. You know that part where I say yada, yada, such and so? Nooo. I can't have him read that." or, "Well, if the proposal is accepted, he'll read it anyway. Is that good enough? No?" or, "I'll read it to him. No? Because I might skip over some parts?" And then, something inside of me kept answering back when I'd say to myself, "Well, I'm not sure if this is God saying to let him read it, so I just won't let him read it." then, something (Someone!) would say, "Oh, I get it. In this very book proposal, you talked about not being sure, but you'd rather err on the side of obedience, than to walk a different path, and now you are saying just the opposite?"

Ouch. I couldn't say anything about that! So, in the end, I handed him the darned thing and let him read it. I told him I wanted his blessing on it. That sample chapter had a LOT about him in it, but you know what? He was impressed. He told me he really liked it and what parts he really liked in it.

Sometimes we don't have to understand why God wants us to do this thing or that thing. We just have to obey. Later we may understand better, and maybe we won't. But the point is to trust God and follow his nudgings and promptings. He loves us and put His Holy Spirit in us to lead and guide us. The more we respond and obey, the better prepped we are to respond and obey the next time a nudging or prompting comes along.

But back to the book. The proposal is off, but it will take many weeks before the editor says "yay" or "nay". Lisa, from over at Those Headcoverings, (she is an incredible wealth of information) said on her blog some time ago that she sensed a movement was afoot. She could not have been more right. Indeed, there does seem to be a movement afoot, the likes of which we may easily underestimate. We may term this 'movement' a spiritual (re)awakening of some sort, if we care to define it in such terms at all (I realize that there may be some who are uncomfortable with the term 'movement' and don't want to minimize the holy beauty of covering by saying it's part of a 'movement'. I understand and appreciate that. My intention in terming this a (re)emerging movement is merely to find a framework wherein I can practically place women who are new to covering and who have had, many times, a 'sweeping transformation' with regard to their covering. These women appear to be popping up everywhere throughout the U.S. and internationally, as well. I am one of those women. The term 'movement' becomes a loose way to identify such women and is not at all meant to diminish the holy and beautiful practice of head covering). Many women who are now practicing head covering just sensed a leading from the Spirit that they should cover. Many have no history with head covering. Many of us couldn't find a single book that could offer us the kind of support we needed --- a book written by real women for real women who want to embrace the ancient spiritual practice of head covering. Lots of books have been written on the topic of head covering, but there was still something missing.

My hope in penning this book is that women who are looking for support and advocacy in head covering can find it in this book. Too many women feel alone in their families, communities and even churches, as they may be the only woman covering. And this out of the blue! Spouses have a hard time (often) getting their minds around why their wives feel the need to cover their heads. Wives try to explain, and sometimes hubbies come on board, but many times they don't. I hope this book will offer direction, support, insight and courage for women who feel led of God to cover. I hope they will find the strength to cover (or, for that matter, the strength to submit to their husbands and not to cover --- the book will address this scenario, as well) in a culture where covering is not esteemed --- even in many Christian circles, churches and denominations. Many of you may recall that I am covering in the face of my pastor's disagreement with it.

Anyway, my idea is that this book will be comprised of many voices who represent many situations and angles of covering. I am interested in your voice, too. If you think you might like to be a part of this project, please drop me an email (see my profile) and let me know. I'm interested, in particular, in women who live in the states (it's okay if you're a missionary who currently doesn't reside in the states. If you were born and raised here I can use you!). I'm particularly interested in "new" headcoverers (maybe those who have started covering in the last year or two). I'd like to tell your story if you are one of a few, or perhaps the only, head covering women in your church, community or family. I'd like to hear your story if your hubby didn't like it, or maybe your friends, pastor and sister didn't like it. In short, those women who are covering amidst uncomfortable circumstances, but who are trying to press forward in it. If your hubby doesn't want you to do it, I want to hear from you. I need your stories more than you know. I'm also interested in you if you have a history of covering or if you have been a committed covering Christian woman for a while. I'd like to write a little about that, as well. Let me hear from you or feel free to pass this message around. I may not be able to use all of your stories, but I may use some (depending upon the responses I receive). I already have a core group of women I'm working with, but could use some more. Let me hear from you, dear ones. There are many women out there who need to hear voices the likes of ours. We have experiences that can help them as they begin (or continue) this journey of covering.

Love to you, dear ones.

Grace!

Update on the Home-front and Mysteries Unknown

2009-02-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Well, we are moving to higher ground, I think. I have been cleaning up my act, and have been on my p's and q's. Ashunoah has noticed a world of difference and has been praising me, much to my delight. Ever since he had "the talk" with me, I've been really diligent about working on those areas that needed improvement, and he has taken significant notice. Not only that, but he's been surprisingly supportive about the headcovering issue. He still may not understand it fully, but doesn't complain, so long as his needs are met. I'm learning new things (every day, it seems!), and one of the things I think I'm learning is that sometimes (not in every situation, though) our husbands want to be first. Right at the very top. They want to be right up there with God. When we go on and on about covering our heads, sometimes it may seem to our hubbies that the headcovering is more important that they are. They sometimes end up wishing that they could get the special attention that the headcovering is getting. Again, this is not a fast and hard rule, but I think that if our hubbies feel like they are in the number one spot, and they are getting all of their needs met in every area (for us that means going an extra mile or two with regard to our care of them), they maybe couldn't care less if we undertood headcovering, skydiving or fly-fishing. So long as they are happy in every area, many times they are as compliant as can be. That's at least one observation I've made.

Here's another. Often times I think people are less concerned about what our headcovering says about us than they are about what it says about them. Though we aren't saying it (I know we aren't...we aren't those women), I think people are worried that we are somehow more spiritual than they. They might reason that if we feel called to something spiritual that they have no inkling or desire to learn about, that maybe we are somehow more in tune with spiritual things than they are. Like maybe we have a special connection with God, or something. If they deny our headcoverings, they deny that anything is amiss in their own relationship with God. If we don't cover, it means they are okay. There's nothing that they need to change.

This is a bold comparison (forgive me), but check it:

woman to husband: "Honey, I've been feeling that the Lord has called me to do such and so. He showed me in a dream that once I do this thing, we will prosper financially such as never before. I really feel this strong impression to do it. We've nothing to lose, and He showed me that not only would we be financially prosperous, but that our family will be closer than ever. What should I do?"

husband: Well, so long as it's not sin and we have nothing to lose, what's the harm in trying? And since you feel so strongly led, why not follow through? Besides, this could be a real answer to prayer for us.

Please don't hear me wrong on this. I'm not saying that our husbands or our friends would necessarily be okay with everything else besides our own spiritual (re)awakenings. But what, after all, does our headcovering have to do with them? "Nothing." They might be inclined to say. To be sure, my husband was speaking from his heart when he said he felt my headcovering was all about me and for me. He felt it had nothing to do with him, and he wasn't happy about it. I think when our headcovering spills over in areas that include our hubbies and friends, maybe (not always) they will take more interest. Often (as in the above example), they are more excited about something worldly for us/them, than they are about something spiritual. They might not even need to "pray" about; they answer yes flat out! But when it comes to something spiritual, to something so small as a piece of cloth on our heads, folks get bent outta shape and are all up in arms about it. Sometimes friends stand there ready to tell you what is wrong about it. People congratulate you when you've just won a million dollars or you just got a big promotion that will now give you a six figure salary. But when you tell them you feel called to place a little cotton or lace on your head, they walk away and shake their heads. They feel sorry for you.

And as always, dear ones...press on in the journey. For some strange reason, I feel like we are meant to be right where we are.

Grace!
M

Odds and Ends

2009-01-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

We are getting slammed with snow here; it's not even 4:00, and already we've shoveled three times today. I think things are beginning to slow down. It feels like two feet or more of snow. Our dog can't even find a place to squat, poor thing. The snow seems to almost envelope her!

I am beginning to make friends with my hair. So this is how things are lately. I so often cover, and I've not taken much care for those times that I don't cover. I usually feel a bit self-conscious, because I've been so cavalier about the whole hair situation. I decided to straighten a bit (no chemicals, though) to make things a bit more manageable. It helps a lot, and is much more time-saving that having to wrestle with my thick and course hair. Hubby likes it too (hubby likes the entire "look" --- hair and clothing ensemble ---you see in this photo, as he told me so later on in the day that I wore it). As far as length goes, it's pretty short, but grows fairly fast, so I'm hoping I can get it to be chin length before too long. I guess then I'll decide what I want to do with it. Short hair is sooo much easier and quicker to deal with, and I do tend to like my hair in layers. At the same time, it's frustrating when I can't get my hair into a little ponytail! Also, I've grown out my old perm and the blonde highlights. My highlights are now the gray hairs that I'm letting grow in!

These are my cherubs. Aren't they delicious? Obi is three and Bo-Bo (also lovingly known as "Sweetfat") is two. God love my mother-in-law who is a tremendous help to me when she comes into town. I can't say enough good about her, except that God has richly blessed me with her and her giving heart. God gave me a good mother who, with lots of love and hard work, raised me to womanhood. After that He blessed me with a good mother-in-law who visits often, rarely gives unsolicited advice, drops the 'in-law' and calls me her daughter --- and on top of all this, she never comes to our house empty-handed, she engages the boys, teaches them their numbers, letters and colors and buys many of their clothes. For Christmas, she bought all their clothes, cut all the tags off and put all the new clothes away, while having to move older clothes out of the way. This one task alone saved me hours of time! Okay, sure, she cooks way too much when she comes (we tell her she needs 5 more grandkids the way she cooks!), but the operative phrase here is that she cooks for this household when she visits...that alone is such a big help. It means I don't have to cook, and can spend that time doing something else.

My mom-in-law started teaching me to sew, and I've been having a good time playing with fabric during this winter season. I'm really just learning basics and experimenting, but I am looking forward to making head coverings and new tops from 'too-short' dresses and old skirts (recycling material in this way is good, since the $1 or $2 skirts, shirts and dresses I buy from our local thrift store is less than what I would pay for a yard of fabric). Since I'm unable to work in the garden, and it's too cold to open windows for any painting projects, I'm keeping myself busy teaching the boys and with household duties that always beckon (especially laundry and cleaning); I have been having a good time baking up yummy things, but I'd like a bit more margin in order to work on discovering the possibilities of fabric.

For a little while, I think I've had the curiosity (dare I say hunger?) of divine liturgy, and have wanted to experience what a liturgical service might be like. We attend a non-denominational church, but I usually observe Lent and Advent on my own. I recently met a new friend who is also a stay-at-home wife and mom, and we'd talked a little about her church. I'm familiar with the church, as another friend of mine attends there too. Maybe I can make plans to visit; until then, maybe a little research here and there. I also welcome any thoughts you might want to share.

God's grace to you, beloved of God...

I Feel Like Going On...

2009-01-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

This past weekend met me with difficult points. Ashunoah came clean with me and told me about some things he is not happy with about me: areas where I really need improvement. He further explained that my headcovering seems not to impact certain areas that pertain to him; this headcovering thing, he said, came rather out of the blue, and that it is a change that mostly affects me. Moreover, I did it in spite of our pastor's disapproval (that hurt). He also said that my vegetarianism is another decision that mostly affects and is for me. Others may reap some secondary benefit, but it mostly affects me, he said.

Ashunoah was kind in his delivery of those words, but it still hurt. I was completely discouraged and heavy of heart. Still, I appreciated his honesty and told him that I want him to continue to be honest with me about areas I need to make improvements in --- otherwise, I might not know that anything needed to be changed. He was agreeable.

My sharing this with you, dear sisters, is a lesson for me in humility. I was so hurt. I felt I was being a really good wife and I was so conscientious --- I wanted to make sure that I was giving right attention to every area. I was in prayer to God about my behavior and thoughts; I wanted to honor God and my husband and children in every way. My efforts have not been as successful as I'd hoped, and this is hugely disappointing and discouraging.

But I share these things with you, dear ones, so that you may be vigilant. Our covering means precious little if it doesn't change us for the better. We are to become more gentle, more loving, more attentive, less selfish. We are Christians, yes, but the cloth is just one small thing that should take us farther and deeper in our walk with Christ, and that in and of itself should show in our relationships with others. Let's have a keen eye to recognize the greatest needs of our spouse and family, and let's hurry to meet those needs. Let us hurry to be full of forgiveness when we are hurt or offended. Let's not let that hurt turn into the venom of bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness. Let's concern ourselves less with being understood and concern ourselves more with being understanding (St. Francis of Assisi said that). Besides, there is no one who can understand us (on this and the other side of eternity) quite the way God can.

Part of my problem, I think, is that I want my husband and others to see my positive changes in my life as acts of obedience, not just something I do for my fun and pleasure. To be sure, covering up and going against the grain of the culture is neither fun or pleasurable. It's so much easier to walk the path of least resistance. I expect (perhaps too much) for people to understand the pure motives of my heart: to honor God and to walk in obedience to Him. I'm not perfect in this, but I want to be temperate and do not want to just go tossing anything into my mouth without conscience or care for the body God gave me. I am misunderstood if people think that I do this for fun, to draw attention to myself or to flagrantly disregard my pastor's thoughts on headcovering. But then, I am in good company. Jesus was misunderstood. So were His disciples. And so shall be many of His followers. But my hope is in Jesus. I need to lower my expectations a bit, perhaps, and realize that people are not made to understand me through and through --- sin is just too prevalent in our culture for even those close to us to not suspect us of impure intentions.

When Ashunoah said those words to me, I wanted to toss away the cloth. "What difference does it make?" I thought, "if even the one closest to me doesn't see any change in me?" I wanted to toss away the cloth, but I didn't. And I don't even really know how I didn't, except for the grace of God. And somehow, oddly, I feel like going on...

Peace to you, beloved of God.

The Longest Day on Earth

2009-01-20T15:56:00.000-08:00

That's surely what it must feel like for the Obamas today. I am thrilled, overwhelmed to the point of tears and nearly speechless at today's events. What a moment....what an amazing moment in time.

God's grace....

An Open Door

2009-01-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

It feels like life comes in waves...sort of the way understanding does. Like when a Bible passage you've read 20 times before hits you differently on that 21st reading. Suddenly certain passages ring with such clarity now. Like this one:

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." (Romans 12:2).

As believers, we read this passage (and many others) and take for granted what it means. Sure, we're called to be different; we're called to be like Christ...that's pretty much a no-brainer. But for the headcovering Christian woman, this passage takes on a new richness that is not to be taken for granted.

One of my friends (God love her) recently emailed me and wanted me to know that she supports my decision to cover. She didn't want me to think she didn't support me because we've not really had a deep discussion about it. I told her it was fine, and I'm not really about bashing my friends over the head with the book on covering --- it's just not my mode of operation. Some women have had really sweeping transformations with regard to covering and dressing more modestly. I described my experience to my dear friend in these terms: God was opening a door. I had a choice. I could walk through the door, or I could walk away from the door. If I walked away from the door, I already knew what awaited me: self-doubt, bondage, anxiety, defining my beauty by the world's standards, continued issues with body image, pride and vanity.

If, on the other hand, I walked through the door He was opening, I had a real chance at peace and freedom. I was now free to define my beauty by God's standard. I could exchange my pride and vanity for humility, wisdom and purity. I could turn off the noise of the world's lies and step into truth. It was just a door and the choice was mine.

I like to think I made the right choice. Some days I get up and it makes absolutely no sense to me. Then I think of my world B.C. (before covering), and I realize I'll take my chances on this side of the door. I don't need it to make sense at every single moment. I just need to remember that my reasons for being here were the right ones. And, as another covering blogger wrote, if I felt God was leading me in this direction, I'd rather err on the side of obedience than on the side of disobedience. And as an old friend once told me, if you're going to struggle, it's better to struggle inside the will of God than outside of it.

So, dear ones...press on...

Men Folk on the Journey

2009-01-07T17:46:00.003-08:00

I love this post (from a husband's perspective) on what it's like when a wife speaks about wanting to cover. I love the honesty that Rick shows in this post, and I love that he and and his wife, Melly Elizabeth, are on this journey together.

Oh goodness, God is so patient with us! Rick's testimony surely reveals this, and I think we can all see it in our own lives. Years ago, when I wanted to go from full time work outside of the home, to part time work outside of the home, Ashunoah really struggled. At one point, when I was immature and self-seeking, I went to work part time, anyway, not bothered much by what he thought of it. Oh, and you must know how ashamed I am of that. Eventually, I went back to full time. After some time had passed, I told him I'd like to go part time again (this was long before the kids), and wondered what he'd think of it. This time, I was committed to only going part time if he said I could. I continued working full time till he gave me the okay. Some time had passed and he got into some good conversations with another godly, male friend of his who asked him just how much he really trusted in the Lord's provision if he was afraid for me to work part time outside the home. Some things in that conversation really hit home for him and he began to do a turnaround. After a while, we were both settled and content with me working part time, and God was providing for us just fine! I even continued working part time when I became a mom for the first time (that was by choice on my part, as I was in something of a verbal commitment with campus ministy work); but by the time our youngest came along, we both knew that working outside of the home was out of the question. Since then, I've been happily at home with my boys. We've certainly had some challenges, but God has helped us through every one of them.

I see Ashunoah warming up to my headcovering, in a subtle sort of way. He works in appliance repair, and if he goes to the home of a couple where the wife is a headcovering woman, he takes special note. When he comes home, he tells me about it, and says, "You would have liked her. She was all covered up." or he might say something like, "Yeah, she was Muslim. I was asking about her headcovering and I told her about your covering and she was very interested."

I don't doubt that many husbands find it hard at first to accept the idea of their wives covering. It's weird. A little off-center. What will folks say? I think in many ways our men folk are on a journey of their own when it comes to our covering. I'm confident that many husbands just want to do what God wants them to do; some come huffin' and puffin', some come humbly with teachable hearts. Wherever they are on the journey, they need our prayers, our love, our submission and our respect. I'm also confident that most wives know that nagging and self-seeking attitudes get us no where fast. Otherwise, what's the point of the covering? As one dear blogger wrote recently (quoting from Amy's blog From this Minute), “I love the face of a nun. The glow. I know my headcovering doesn’t automatically give me that. I may dress the part sometimes, but I still have a lot of work to do. You have to earn holiness. If I can just be a fraction of the person I dress like. That’s what I pray for. What I commit to each day. Just a little bit like that person.”

So well said!

Back to Life

2008-12-29T18:30:00.000-08:00

It's the Monday after Christmas, and I'm trying to organize things. Get back on schedule. Get back to life beneath Cloud 9, as we had a supremely happy Christmas. Oh, it was entirely lovely. I think the day was nothing short of perfect, which was most welcomed, considering Christmas Eve found me short, impatient with the boys, stressed, overworked and underslept. It was a trying and challenging day. Then Christmas Day came and everything changed.

The Christmas holiday (zany, family and fun-filled days) found me dressed modestly (always), but (sad for me) uncovered most of the time. Hubby had days off from work and was at home a lot, which was wonderful. Consequently, I went uncovered, so as to honor him, as he prefers me uncovered, as some of you know. We had delicious and cherished time together as a family making wonderful memories. I did, though, need to get used to the fact that my head was uncovered. It felt strange to be uncovered for so many consecutive days. Today was my first full day covered. Ashunoah works long hours, so I can remain covered all day, then take my covering off sometime in the evening.

Dare I say I felt some connection between being uncovered and feeling slightly 'off center' spiritually? It's not that I failed to pray, or read Scripture daily, or act kindly toward others. I served tirelessly throughout the holiday, and you would probably not notice any (unpleasant) change in my behavior at all. Still, the holiday found me very busy, and I missed connecting with my blogging, covering sisters. This is the only concrete support I really get, and I certainly missed it!

I am such an oddball. At times I feel like I'm living a divided life: now with the covering, but since it's 7:00 at night, it's time to take it off. Saturday? Lose the covering. Sunday? Great, knock yourself out (hubby is fine with me covering for Sunday worship. I love it!).

There is, I'm sure, some crazy balance to this thing. Sure, if Ashunoah were in support of it, I'd probably cover all the time. But as it is, I cover whenever I can get away with it, for the most part. For some reason, this is the way it is right now, and for some reason, it works. I am thankful that hubby allows me to cover at all. What grace! And on the days we are out together as a couple, or as a family, and my head is uncovered, there is a reason for that, too. Perhaps I might meet someone and share Christ with them. Maybe my cover might "throw them" or make them feel "akward". Maybe without the cover I am a little more 'normal'. At least on the outside. Maybe a little more approachable? Who knows, but I trust God that there is goodness in this deal being the way it is for now. Amen.

Practice Your Peculiarity

Did I mention I am an oddball? The Christmas holiday, was terribly busy, and I had little time to "practice" my cover for Sunday worship. News: I try to 'practice' how I will wear my covering for Sunday worship. It's the same as laying out my clothes for Sunday, or taking my shower on Saturday night. The hope is that it will save time on Sunday morning, when things are hectic and sometimes scattered, trying to get two toddlers fed, dressed, into their coats and into their respective car seats. I am getting more in the habit of 'fooling' around with my covering: practicing styles, draping, wrapping, trying this here, fiddling with that there, trying this pin, yada, yada, yada. I like to be creative. It's becoming a bit of a problem (more on that later), but it's hard for me to just tie a bandana on my head and walk out the door. Maybe it's how I was raised. In my mind, I just KNOW folks at church are wondering: "what on earth is going on with that child's hair?! Is she in chemo? I can't remember the last time I saw that girl's hair." So, I keep them guessing with creative covering.

Anyway, Saturday was busy, and hubby's mom is in town. She is a great gift to me, as nobody helps me with the boys the way she does. When she is in town, we exchange our routined schedule for a more laid back approach to life. Ashunoah and I joke and say that his mom lives "heavy on the land." She never comes empty-handed --- she brings bags of clothes, books, games for the boys and always food, food, food! The house is usually in disarray and clutter during her visits, but I try not to complain, as she is a Godsend to me. When she leaves town and goes back to her own home, I can clean and organize. When she's here? Fa'getta bout it.

So Saturday was crazy. Next thing I know it's Sunday morning, the clock is ticking, everyone is dressed (I get the boys dressed before I get dressed), and here I am fooling around with this gorgeous fabric! It was new (to me), and I was excited to wear it, but I was just not rehearsed! Finally, I didn't have the time to fool with it any longer, and ended up at church in something akin to a draped hijab. The material was beautiful, the length and width, exceptional --- so, how could I not take a picture of it, right? My apologies, beloved. Somehow it was just enough for me to get to and from church in one piece. I felt absolutely ridiculous and was totally unsure of how I looked at church. I interracted with quite a few folks, too...no telling what they thought!

Oh, well. You win some, you lose some. If I have to look ridiculous for the sake of obedience, then so be it. Next time, though, I'll try to be a bit more prepared.

Grace, beloved....

Epiphany

2008-12-23T19:50:00.000-08:00

I discovered, just this year, that celebration is a discipline. Which means we don't ditch Christmas because so much of the world has commercialized it. Which means we don't treat it with contempt or grow lazy in the face of it. Drag out the tree or go cut it down. Decorate it. Bake some cookies. Talk to your kids about Jesus. Create new traditions. Try new recipes. Shovel your neighbor's walk. Make some gifts, like you did when you were a kid.

I used to think my happiest Christmases were the ones behind me, the Christmases of my childhood. But my happiest Christmases are really the ones that I've had in the past 20 years or so --- the Christmases after my dedication to Christ Jesus. My Christmases these days are pretty special, too, because I have two toddlers, but they are not why I find true value in this season.

And many Christians will say, "forget Christmas; Easter is the Christian's holiday." I've heard it said and perhaps in the past I've agreed with them --- at least in theory, if not in practice. But I think so many times we Christians let the world steal from us what should be ours, what we should own, what we should hold stubbornly to. I want to take it back. I want Christmas back. And there are God-loving Christians who say, "Christmas and other holidays are just another excuse for people to indulge in gluttony." I've heard it said, and I probably agreed. Once. But no more. As a praying, fasting, head-covering Christian woman, I know there are times to fast and there are times to feast. When it is time to fast, we should do it with all humility, focus and commitment. When it is time to feast we should do it with all joy and gladness of heart. Okay, sure...I've packed on a few pounds this season between baking cookies and 'testing' (I just gotta taste everything I cook to make sure it's good!), but it's okay, because this is simply one of many seasons of my life. The time will come to fast again. Then the time will come to feast and be merry again. Wise is the Christian who knows how to do both --- who holds these things in equal tension.

Enjoy your Christmas, dear ones. May your hearts be merry and your joy wide. Let's also remember to pray for and serve those who are hurting this season, as well. Our Lord was born (and died) for such as these.

Merry Christmas,
Muhala

Recovering Joy

2008-12-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

I'd been pressed, beloved, to get a post up before now. The boys keep me busy, and there is Christmas baking! Most of the baking now done (cookies, that is; candies have been made and most of them consumed...pies to bake next week), I find a few moments to sit and write.

I'd been sad during recent days, thinking of my father. Missing him. I'd made a cd for my siblings and my stepmother...a sort of pictorial history (set to music) of my father's life. Watching it all the way through at its completion found me broken down in tears. My sibs and Ellen should get it this week. I hope it doesn't put a damper on their holiday. I know they are grieving as I am. I was in a toy store today, with the boys, and there was a Cars character named Ramone (we were looking at a couple of race cars), and my eyes brimmed with tears. I wanted to buy a race car each for my boys (but didn't), but very nearly did just because my father's name was Ramon. My heart is heavy even at this writing.

But I am trying to recover my joy. I remember how very much I have to be thankful for, and what a celebratory season this is. Christ Jesus is born! What a joy. What a joy to serve such a loving Savior. And to have been given sons (two!) when we remained childless for so long (12 years) is a joy and tremendous grace beyond words. I feel like Elizabeth, John the Baptist's mother. And Hannah. I am sad that my father is gone, but my Heavenly Father is more than enough. I feel like I need to cry and grieve the fact that my mother and I may never have the relationship I would like for us to. More on that, perhaps, on my regular blog, Testimony and Truth.

Thrifty Finds

On a brighter note, I am slowly reassembling my wardrobe: kicking out immodest items and replacing them with more modest pieces. I recently told Ashunoah that you've got to be creative when it comes to modesty. Today's fashion doesn't lend itself to so noble a virtue. Take sweaters and shirts, for example. Many are made 'short', so as to reveal belly skin when you bend or stretch. Today's jeans are made to rise low, so that you can show off more skin in the back when you crouch down (many tattoos are worn here), and when you reach upward.

I buy almost all of my clothes and shoes from a local thrift store and I make great finds. Everything in the photo to the left I bought at a thrift store (including my hat ---100% Alpaca --- which I bought for 90 cents). I try to work with what I already have in my closet, and I happen to have a few pair of jeans that I really like. The jean "jacket" you see here over my red shirt is actually nothing more than a simple denim mini dress. I also bought another one like this that is long-sleeved. I'd never wear this as mini dress (even in my less conservative clothing wearing days!), but it makes a great jacket. It covers the skin in the back that low-riding jeans often expose, which allows me the freedom to kneel while talking to

or dealing my boys. Hubby was impressed! I'm all about covering

my behind. Without a jacket, I sometimes opt for a longer scarf tied around my waist or some such thing. I'm really hot and bothered by the skin exposed in the lower part of my back when I kneel (and having toddlers, I kneel quite a bit!).

I also found this. Another nice 'bottom coverer'. It's a sweater, but neither hubby or I knew whether or not it was made to be worn alone. Never mind that! I wear it over a shorter sweater that doesn't cover quite as well and voila! a really comfortable outfit.

Moreover, I'm feeling drawn more and more to flowy, less restrictive clothing (those items are harder to find in the thrift store I shop at, though. I wish there were Islamic clothing stores around here). Snugger clothing makes me think of my weight more and I don't need to spend another minute thinking about it. A friend from church said once, some years back, that most women wear the wrong clothing size. She said most of us should be in something bigger than what we're currently wearing. I have this inner conversation with myself about how this pair of jeans, or that pair of slacks "holds me hostage". What I mean by that phrase is that I feel enslaved to get into them, and if I can't get into them, I feel even more enslaved! Wearing looser clothing, a size or two bigger, or wearing clothing that is more 'flowy' is freeing and doesn't hold me hostage! My hope and goal is to build a wardrobe with clothes that don't hold me hostage. That may mean I might end up making my own clothes, at some point, but for now, I will work with the thrift store, as it is most assuredly less expensive than making my clothes, given the price of fabric. We shall see.

All grace and love to you, beloved, during this blessed and holy season! Enjoy your Christmas if I don't connect with you till after the holiday.

Fix it and Forget It

2008-12-08T20:07:00.000-08:00

As I'm able, I hope to continue to post photos of various styles of headcoverings, tips, etc. Experimenting is fun, when I find a few spare moments, and I sometimes stumble upon something I really like. The photo to the left is the headcovering I wore today. I was actually going for just the two long pieces hanging down in the back (the front I pulled back and gathered in a knot). But, as I was trying to pull one piece of cloth through the hole which was supposed to make the knot, I stumbled upon something new --- cloth gathered at the nape of my neck, with two interconnected "poofs" hanging below the gathered section. I kept the "poof" up with a couple of T-pins that I stuck through a decorative bead (I make jewelry, and I sometimes use a bead along with the T-pin to dress a headcovering up a bit. It also helps keep two pieces of cloth together. I've also used a post earring for a similar effect, and it's great to use on thinner fabric which is too delicate for a T-pin). It happened quite by accident, but I do think I will try it again. The look seemed to work with this length of cloth and the design. I used a similar photo taken today of the same headcovering I have on in this photo, dibbled and dabbled and experimented to come up with the blog photo you see behind my blog title. Just can't seem to figure out how to make the photo "stretch" so that it's the same width as the margins of my blog. If you've any idea how I could do this, please let me know!

Yesterday, I went to church wearing the "not-quite-hijab" headcovering you saw in my last blog post. Hubby told me I looked good, so I'm hoping that means he liked it! But what was I doing in church, but sitting there thinking about my headcovering? Wondering what people thought of me. Wondering if someone might say something to me. Wondering if people think I'm converting to Islam. Then yesterday, someone joined our church who had on hijab!! I was thinking, "Lord, if she is converting over to Christianity, please let her keep her headcovering!"

I know. That's bad.

The truth is, I just gotta relax. I plan to wear a headcovering indefinitely...that could be for the rest of my life. How much of my time will I waste thinking about what's on my head? And what other folks think about what's on my head? I'd really much rather just live faithfully, obediently and abundantly. I'd really much rather be too much about the business of living, giving, serving and loving to give much thought to what's on my head. But I do want what's on my head to be a sign...a symbol of remembrance for me. How I behave, the words that I speak, the things that I think and meditate on --- all of these should be in keeping with what my headcovering represents and what it says about my devotion to God.

I know I'm fairly new to this journey, but I really just want to fix it on my head, and go on living. We'll see how things go next Sunday at church.

Enjoy your night, beloved...

Playing on the Edges...

2008-12-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I've been pining a bit for hijab. The thing is, I blend in pretty naturally at my predominantly black church wearing a headwrap (think Erykah Badu in the early days). Probably no one thinks much except that maybe I didn't feel like doing my hair. At the most, they may think I'm trying to express personal style. Admittedly, this feels "safe", and was basically what I was shooting for in the beginning.

Now, I find myself wanting to become a little more distinct. I want some people to question whether or not something is "up" with me. There are times when I feel like I don't want to be pegged so easily, and that may mean transitioning into something a tad more questionable, if that makes any sense. There are still times, though, that I'm really thankful that I can "hide" behind a Badu headwrap --- no one has to know! Yet there are other times that I want folks to know I'm on a journey, and that I am, in fact, doing the headcovering thing. What if other women were to say, "Hmmm..." and later try it out themselves? What if it makes a big difference in their lives like it's made in mine? Who's to say whether or not we would shake something up??

Anyway, this is me today. I was, of course, fooling around on YouTube and found other tutorials on headcovering. This one is playing on the edges of hijab, but it's such a pretty and feminine style, I couldn't resist.

Here's the right side.

And the left.

And the back.
It was so easy, too! I folded a generous edge around the front, put it on my head and then tied it in the back, with one side longer than the other. One side I wrapped around my neck and pinned it high so that the tassels come down decoratively in the back. The other side hangs down front. I was pretty pleased.

The Beautiful Rescue of the Cloth

2008-12-02T06:22:00.000-08:00

Of course, Ashunoah isn't crazy about the headwrap, but doesn't mind that I wear it sometimes when he's around...providing that it sort of "goes with" the outfit I'm wearing, if that makes sense. Mostly, I don't wear it when he's around, but sometimes I do if I'm having a particularly "bad hair" day, and he doesn't seem to mind. I'm thankful for his flexibility.

Since I am quite the "part time" head coverer, there is the issue of hair that I must deal with. I recently returned to a "perm" (makes black women's hair straight, not curly) earlier this year, but then this summer, decided to go back to natural/naptural (that is, not continuing to perm, but letting my hair return to its natural/kinky state). This can be quite the process and I am less than patient. As my hair grows, I continue snipping the ends until all the perm is out. My hair grows pretty fast, and last night I was found snipping, snipping, snipping. I still have a little bit of perm left on the ends, but the blonde highlights are gone and my hair is now all dark again, save the gray hairs that are popping through more and more!

Right now, I am sporting a small afro, which just works for practical reasons. For one, hubby likes the afro on me...he likes the softness of it and likes to touch it often. Secondly, it's simple for me. I wash, I go. Why should I take a ton of time twisting, flattening, setting, rolling, taking out twists (for a crimped afro) when most of the time my hair is covered most of the day (till hubby gets home)?! It's just simpler. I can think of a ton of other things I could do with my day as opposed to spending hours working on my hair. For me, it's just one less thing to think about. I like covering, hubby likes the afro. Both work and are pretty simple. I've had longer hair for a good part of my life, but I think I'm okay with having short hair for a while. One of the most attractive aspects of headcovering is that it frees me from much concern about my hair.

Frees me from vanity, too. When my hair was newly permed (earlier in the year), I'd had blonde highlights and people would often stop me to tell me how beautiful my hair was. When I turned, it moved. It was bouncy and full of body and got a lot of attention. Probably too much for my own good. I'd actually thought about cutting it all off while it was still in it's "glorious" state just to remove myself from all those compliments and all that rave "attention". I am not my hair. But I do want to live faithfully, with humility and quiet grace and submission to the Lord.

I was thinking earlier today about the figurative and literal significance of covering. I have not been a perfect Christian, and I've certainly not been a perfect wife. Even as a Christian wife, I've done things that I am ashamed of. Things I don't want to talk about. Though I have repented with sorrow and have turned from these things, covering is, for me, a new beginning. Now I can be the wife I should have been long ago. I can wear a symbol of my faith on my head and body. I can walk away from former temptations and say, "That was before the cloth". Both figuratively and literally covering has rescued me. I am covered literally and now belong only to my God and to my family; I don't subscribe to the things I once did...I am no longer led astray by them (let this be a proclamation). And I am covered figuratively from my sin and the things I have been ashamed of. I am hidden with God, through Christ Jesus. Of course, this was true long before the cloth...this was true at my salvation experience. But now, it is though I experience these things anew, and experience them as never before. Even well-meaning Christians need a new beginning sometimes. I don't think I knew how much I needed one, until now.

But there are still things I battle with...more to come later on that. Right now, the boys need breakfast.

Enjoy your day, dear ones...

God's grace...

Just Keep Walking

2008-11-26T07:39:00.000-08:00

I had one of my friends from church over for coffee last week. We spent some good time talking and I told her that I now cover my head and I told her the reasons why. I talked to her about my bondage to vanity, and how the intentions of my heart weren't always pure when I wore what I wore. I wanted to be noticed for my slender figure, and wanted to "show off" in outfits that were quite flattering. She had a hard time believing that. Not the part about my covering, but the part about my sin of pride.

"But you want to look nice for your husband, and there's nothing wrong with that. And it's not like you wear your clothes skin tight or anything like that. There's nothing wrong with looking nice and wearing clothes that suit you well or are flattering on you," she said.

I knew she wanted to think the very best of me. God love her for that.

"Yes, but the motivations of my heart were not pure," I countered. "I was vain and vanity is sin. My pride was a sin that was costing me something very valuable. And now I just want to trade it in for something that's more pure."

She was very kind, and looked at me with something akin to sympathy. And a tad bit of confusion. This is not your everyday plate of pie. It's some foreign, weird, ethnic dish that everybody just can't get with.

And watch out for an emerging pride of a new variety: the "I'm better than you because I've been 'enlightened'" sort of pride. Let's exchange old impurities for cleaner things, but let us not take on pride in any form. Let's not judge our sister. Indeed, there is a part of me that could wish (if but for a moment!) that I were in those ranks again...feeling like a normal part of the crowd; not standing out; not going out of my way to find something that "covers" as much as I can possibly get away with.

Yet, as I think on it, I wouldn't trade it for where I am now.

Unless I am connecting with you, dear sisters, I often feel I walk this journey alone, with little to rouse me to excitement in covering in my day to day normal life. I'm busy running after my two toddlers and have little time to think about what's on my head! Yet I press forward, from time to time, seeing new insights into covering and why I chose to do so (or why, rather, it chose me!).

Yesterday, Ashunoah came home from work and I was tussling around with the boys, and forgot I'd had my covering on. I quickly took it off (my hair was already styled beneath the scarf, but the scarf was light material, and it was easy to forget I had it on).

Also, my visit with my church friend reminded me that often we don't want to see the worst in ourselves or in others, either, for that matter. If we are Christians, we naturally want to assume that our other Christian family and friends are filled with good stuff and good intentions all the time. God help us and free us from ourselves! Save us from ourselves! Covering is just a small, outward reminder of my desire to follow and obey Christ. It means I'm giving up (at least trying to!) prideful ways whose gains are fleeting, in order to embrace quiet humility, trust and obedience whose gains are eternal. It means I'm "opting out" of the world's standard of beauty and "opting in" to God's standard of beauty. It means that, once again, I'm in desperate pursuit of authenticity. And I intend to lay hold of it!

Since I was 11 years old I've suffered with a chronic pain condition that has often hindered the quality of my life. It was with me throughout my teens, my twenties and my thirties. It's still here with me today, but by God's grace I do okay on most days (even pretty well for long stretches) and I now take meds that help significantly, but not perfectly.

One day, when our first son was just a few months old, and I was still carrying him in a fleece sling that I wore around my torso, I got hit with bad pain while I was shopping in an aisle of the grocery store. I was stuck there for a moment, with Obi lying in his sling on my chest and me momentarily paralyzed with pain (and fear).

I prayed. "Lord, help me. I've got this child with me...."

I felt the Lord say "Just keep walking." And so I did. Slowly at first...very slowly. I kept moving and moving and by the time I'd gotten to the checkout counter, the pain was gone.

Sometimes it feels as though no one is around to understand me through this covering thing; to uphold me and to encourage me. Sometimes it feels like life is that big grocery store and I'm in the "covering" aisle a bit immobilized by lack of support and encouragement. Yet still...

I just keep walking.

Grace and Peace, beloved...

Famine...to Feast

2008-11-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, confession: I had another pretty negative experience with a Mennonite woman whom I know. It wasn't as major as the experience I wrote about in my last post, as I was treading fairly lightly. She isn't a covering Mennonite, though, and she was pretty dismissive when I shared with her my desire to cover. She said that her church doesn't require that they cover, and then she sort of changed the subject. I felt a little hurt, but I pressed on. I know this isn't a breezy journey.

I'd read somewhere recently where a covering woman approached a muslim woman to ask her about where she buys her clothes (hijabs, and such). I stuck the idea in the back of my mind. I do come across Muslim women fairly regularly, I suppose...at the grocery store or on various errands. I guess I just never thought much about it. We live in the city, and it's not out of the ordinary for me to run into a woman covered in hijab. I just have to be more intentional now about saying something when I do see one, providing the opportunity is there.

Well today I had one! I had to make a quick stop at my boys' pediatrician office, and there was one who walked in! Yes, I am a little shy by nature, but I'm not afraid to seize an opportunity if there is an open door.

This woman and her son walked up to the window right next to the one I was standing at. When I had finished my business at the window and had nothing left to do, you should have seen me trying to fiddle around and buy some time! If I left then, when I was done at the window, I wouldn't have an opportunity to speak to the woman in hijab (who was still at the window). So, I let the boys play with the waiting room toys for just a bit. Then, Bo-Bo had a boo-boo, so I had to go into the bathroom to change him. When I came out, there she was, sitting there filling out the form. I was poised to make my move!

"Excuse me," I said (taking it gingerly but being focused and serious at the same time. I didn't want another let down!), "I'm new to covering and just dressing more modestly, in general. Would you mind telling me where you find your clothes?"

She smiled and she was SOOOO kind! She told me that she thinks there are some shops downtown, but that she couldn't think of the names of them at the moment. She asked me for my email address and said she would talk to some people and email me whatever shop information she could gather. She went on talking for a little bit, until it was her son's turn to see the doctor. She talked to me till the very last moment, and she was obviously quite happy to talk to me. What a blessing!

I feel encouraged again.

She is a Muslim woman and took me for a Muslim, too, until I told her I was a Christian (which didn't change her level of warmth toward me...praises be!). She told me something that I've read other women say, as well. That dressing this way is not something that they are made to do, but something that they want to do...something they are compelled to do of their own free will. I say the same thing. I wouldn't for a second want anyone to think that someone made me dress this way. I am where I am because I felt led by God one day, and that since that day I've been trying to be obedient.

I need to feel comfortable, though, in the skin that I'm in. My covering has become for me, really, a sort of second "skin". I'm not entirely used to that concept yet, though. Yesterday, my hubby's father stopped by for a visit (hubby's side of the family don't usually call first...they usually just "pop in"), and when he knocked at the door, I quickly snatched my covering off, rustled my hair, and made it look as though I had just been around the house with my head 'uncovered'. I'm not sure exactly why I did this. I need to learn that it's okay if folks come by and see me with my head covered (so long as it's not hubby, for whom I usually take my cover off around the time he's due home from work). Certainly, people may begin to talk. People may begin to ask questions. And one day, I'll actually have to break it down for them. Hubby's father is not the least bit religious; you may as well say he's an atheist. He'd probably think I was out of my mind (or not...he's come to like me more in recent years, I think). At any rate, I'm looking at my behaviors and questioning them. I think it's good to be reflective about the journey.

Having been out of town this past weekend (for my father's memorial service), head uncovered most of the time, I was ready to be back home and focused once again on covering and what covering means to me. Also, I was eager to connect again with you all, who act as my supportive community in the absence of one in my day-to-day life. I've come to value you all so much --- thank you.

Ro, I thought of you one day a few days ago, when I was without my cover and found myself praying. I threw up my arms and hands and placed them over my head. I should carry a bandana around in my back pocket at all times!

Grace and peace...

Good Moments (and embarrassing ones)

2008-11-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

For those not hip to our name changes, the names I use on this blog and my other blog, Testimony and Truth, are our native names that we've given to one another. Hubby is Kakitapi Ashunoah, I am Muhala Akamau, our oldest is Zwaraha Obigawe and our youngest is Tashumawe Nawagaki. Because each of us has such a lengthy name (!), I'll usually use abbreviations of some sort.

This photo of us was a good family moment. Except our youngest is refusing to smile. Both kids seem to have gone through a stage when they flatly refused to smile during photos. Bo-Bo is at the tail end of that stage, though; in fact, he's been smiling a lot more for photos (he turns two tomorrow!). But he had an off moment in this photo.

Speaking of 'off moments', I had a terrible one a couple of weeks back. It was the most embarrassing moment I'd had in a long while and though I'd love to forget about it entirely, I feel like it's going to stay with me a long time.

Such a naive new headcoverer I am! I try to wear my headcovering as often as I can when Ashunoah isn't around; as you know, he doesn't prefer it, so I try to make the best of those times, and -- surprisingly -- I am having a good hair week, but I digress...

So here I am skipping along, thinking all is well with the world now that I'm a headcoverer. I shopped along at my favorite thrift store during at outting with the boys a couple of weeks ago. I recognize what I'm sure is another headcovering woman (I'm sure of it!), and I'm also "sure" she will respond to me well when she finds out I'm a headcoverer, too. She'll be ecstatic!

Not.

I can't believe I even mustered the boldness to ask her, "Excuse me, are you a headcoverer?"

"What?" She had a little girl there with her, who looked to be a bit younger than my boys.
"A headcoverer."
"What's that?" She asked, turning her attention back to the clothing racks, clearly uninterested in me.

Uh oh.

"Um...women who cover their heads..." I said, rather shakily, wondering how on earth I was going to exit from what looked to be an emerging, majorly embarrassing moment.

"Yes, I'm a Nazarene Christian," she said, still searching the clothes, while I stood there with an awkward (unbelieving?) half smile. She couldn't have been less interested if she tried. I introduced myself and my sons, to which she offered a feeble, "Hi." She never introduced herself or her daughter and she kept her attention on the clothes on the rack, and I was just...well....standing there. Looking stuck on stupid.

She made it clear that she was done talking with me.

I pushed my cart past her, feeling like I wanted to cry. I felt so discouraged at that moment. Here I am facing this new challenge, joy and revelation in my life and this is how it is? I felt terrible and couldn't shake the weird way that woman had responded to me. Maybe I was the wrong color? I am not one quick to throw in the race card, but I wondered if she would have responded to me differently if I was white and wore a flowered dress down to my ankles.

As if that wasn't enough, I saw another woman, the next aisle over who looked like the Nazarene woman I'd just spoken to. I thought for a moment that they might be together, but hoped that wasn't the case. She probably couldn't have been any meaner than the woman I just left. I think they were together, though, as that was confirmed later. As I made my way to the checkout counter, I saw the two women together, talking. It looked as if the woman I spoke with was telling the other woman about her exchange with me, because the other woman was now looking at me. Oh, great, I think. It just keeps getting better and better.

I tried to erase the whole thing from my mind, but obviously, that's pretty hard to do, so I may as well write about it, right?

And, God forgive me, but the evil thoughts I had about this woman! I wanted to tell her off right then and there, up one end and down the other. I wanted to tell her I thought she was a perfectly lousy Christian and probably couldn't even convert John the Baptist with that nasty little attitude of hers. What would Jesus think, lady?!?...Oh, I wanted to ream her bad. You have no idea.

Mostly, I was hurt. Seems I've a little wising up to do. But...all a part of the journey, I suppose. Worse things have happened to far greater people.

Grace, beloved...

Lazy is a Four Letter Word

2008-11-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

Recently it dawned on me just how lazy I'd been with regard to being more modestly dressed. I remember some years back I'd put on a tank top (it was a hot summer and we had no central air) that was showing lots of skin. I remember saying, "I can't wear this." I took it off and tossed it in the draw to be worn beneath a shirt or as a pajama top. I'd felt God's Spirit, at that moment, expressing disapproval, and I responded.

Over at my other blog, Testimony and Truth, I once wrote how I'd left the house feeling like something was wrong with how I looked, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I later came to the realization that my outfit was too sexy, and I wrote about it here. I think the post I wrote over at T&T was the beginning of me seriously responding to what I felt God was speaking to me about dress and apparel.

But I know in the past (and I still deal with it a bit), I've just been lazy about changing. I'll get something on, the skirt is snug and shows off curves, and I know I probably should change, but I just don't feel like it. Too much work. I'm already running late. The kids are already in the car, and I don't have the time to run back into the house and change. Excuses that really amount to nothing more than being lazy.

To be sure, it takes a certain amount of discipline to cover and to be modest. To get up and cover when you don't feel like covering. To change when the ensemble just does not work and isn't in keeping with your values of modesty. In the post over at T&T, I wrote about coming to the realization that I want how I look on the outside to correspond with the values I have on the inside.

Last week I had another episode. Okay, so I had on a long shirt that wasn't flattering and that covered my bottom. But my jeans were just too snug. The kids were buckled in the car and the key was almost in the ignition. But I told the boys I'd be right back, and I ran into the house and upstairs to change. Annoying and a little inconvenient? Yes. But I'd save myself trouble if I just make sure I'm right before walking out that door. The commitment to covering and dressing modestly is indeed just that --- a commitment. You don't take days off and you don't slide by, hoping it's not "too bad".

Enjoy your day, beloved...

Sabbath (beneath the veil)

2008-11-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

I was pleased when Ashunoah told me he is fine with me covering for church. He said from what he's read (from the info I'd given him last week, and also perhaps from his own Bible reading), covering is fine for public worship and prayer. I was delighted to hear that, because let me tell you, I got up at 6:30 this morning, got the boys fed and dressed and we were still rushed to get to church by 8:45 (it was our week to work nursery duty), and we had a really long day yesterday, and my hair was the last thing on my mind. Many times it's easier and quicker just to cover! I'm encouraged, though, because his permission provides me with freedom of thought and creativity...I can be thoughtful and creative about what my coverings will be for Sunday. I like that. And also, I've invested in really nice material to make the wraps. I hope to invest in more, but I also hope to grow in learning new ways to wrap the material. Reading the blogs of many of you reminds me that there are endless ways to style your headcovering! I'm excited to check out a few. Please give me your suggestions. What works for you? What do you wear most often or feel you look the best in? YouTube has been helpful here. The tutorials there are great! I wouldn't even mind wearing a hijab, but I think hubby would flip and that folks at our church would start talking.

But I'm finding there are lots of possibilities, and that dressing modestly and covering doesn't necessarily mean we have to feel drab. To that end, I've really enjoyed some of the items I've seen on the Islamic Design House website. Ordering clothing online seems to open a whole other world of possibilities. What are some of your favorite sites to shop from?

But I have also found that dressing modestly opens up a whole new world of attitude and service to God. Is it just me, or do you feel differently when you dress modestly? How I dress now reminds me of my service to God; it reminds me that I'm set apart...it reminds me of my desire for humility and obedience. I can't aptly explain how all of this has come to mean so much to me. Far too recently I was going to church and being careful to show off my slim waistline. I felt happy because I felt people saw me as beautiful, that maybe even (dare I say it?) other men might have had small crushes on me. Feeling beautiful (slim, well-dressed) made me feel accepted and loved, and love (I think) is what we all want and even crave desperately. I feel so much more free on Sunday mornings now! Today, I wore a long denim dress (that showed absolutey no curves or slim waist) that I got from my favorite thrift store, brown boots, a colorful head wrap and earrings that I made. It was simple and it was SO enough! I watched as different women came and went from our Sunday school classroom. These black women are beautiful --- hair freshly done, slimming black sweaters or skirts on, make-up well done. These are my friends and they are beautiful! But today, for the first time, I didn't feel like I needed to work to keep up with them. I sat back and sipped my coffee and felt a different kind of beautiful. This new way of thinking and living is incredibly freeing and, as I said before, maybe other Christian women don't need to be rescued as desperately as I do, but I needed Christ to rescue me, to save me from this shallow beauty madness! The constant monitoring of my waistline, guilt over eating this or that, watching how snugly or loosely my jeans fit was driving me batty! In this renewal of modesty and covering, I declare that I'm not a part of this nation's code of beauty...not a part of how this nation defines beauty. I've opted out and you can't know how desperately I needed it. I still have my days and moments of struggle when I worry about how I look or I focus too much on the areas of my God-given design I may not like so much (I solicit your continued prayer for me in this area), but now, I feel like I'm beginning the journey of seeing beauty the way God sees it. I feel like I'm being freed from trying to show off my own (fleeting, shallow) beauty, and I can now embrace the beauty of humility, holiness and walking in obedience to God. I feel like I am peeling back the layers of a fickle culture and I am finding it doesn't own the definition of beauty (to which I'd become a slave)...God does. What an amazing realization that is!

Trouble in Paradise

2008-11-07T07:03:00.000-08:00

It appears I've overestimated Ashunoah's acceptance of the headcovering. The other night he confessed that he's tired of the wrap. I later asked what he thought about me varying the headcoverings...be creative with the types of coverings I choose. He said he just doesn't like it, and finds me more attractive with no covering at all. I told him I appreciate his honesty, which I do. I really want to know how he feels about it all; at least I know what I'm dealing with. I printed off some helpful headcovering information I'd found, with reasons, myths and further explanations (biblically speaking) and handed it to him to look over. He put it in his Bible, so it appears he plans to read it at some point.

If I had to guess, I'd say in general he's displeased with headcovering, and doesn't think it's necessary or important for today...it's a minor issue. The packet of information I'd given him to read over biblically spoke to these concerns, and hubby tends to be reason-centered, so maybe this will help him better understand things. Maybe, maybe not. It's just not a culturally accepted practice within the church today, and so I think we've been sort of made not to think about it. I know that was definitely the case with me up till a couple of weeks ago. I really don't blame him for feeling the way he does. What if the tables were turned? I may feel the same way. Sure, if he wanted to follow something he felt was biblical and it was a practice that ushered him into deeper obedience to the Lord, growth in holiness and humility, and was a symbol of his devotion to God, I might be okay with it, but I'd probably be pretty uncomfortable with something so new that's not talked about much in the church. He said he'd been praying about it, and really hasn't felt God speaking anything in particular to him about it. So yes, though, I'm disappointed and a little hurt, I'm not angry with him about it. Neither am I turning around and going back on this thing. Now that I've made the decision and commitment, I can only go forward. I know my decision to do this will be terribly unpopular in current culture, in general, and in our church culture, specifically. One day, in our Sunday school class, we were asked to make a statement about our spouse...say something that others might not know about our spouse. Ashunoah said something memorable about me that really moved me, but others didn't think was a big deal. He said, "Everything that she's ever done, anything meaningful, anything she's ever done well or has been successful at are things that have been counter cultural."

Hmmm.

Well, onward I go. Here's how I dissect this thing: I'm not mad at Ashunoah, and I refuse to let bitterness and unforgiveness wrap themselves around me or infiltrate my walk. Sure, I'm sad and disappointed that he doesn't like to see my head covered, but I will submit to his authority. I will wear the headcovering as often as I can get away with. This morning, I got up early, got dressed and styled my hair. He made mention about how nice I looked today. I felt naked and sad without my headcovering, but I didn't let it show much. I was pleasant and agreeable. When he left the house for work, I put my headcovering back on. It will be on all day, till he comes home from work, then I'll take it back off. At home, while praying, I'll cover as much as I'm able to do without causing problems. I don't think he'll object to this. We talked about a compromise like this, but yesterday he got home unexpectedly early, and I still had it on. I apologized and he said it was okay.

So...that may be the way it has to be for a while. Still not sure what I will do about church, as hubby likes me to show my hair when we are out together. I have to pray and trust that God knows what's going on in this situation and will change things as He sees fit.

Unmarried women...take notice. If you have a desire to cover, be sure your future spouse upholds this and plans to fully support you in this. Otherwise, you might end up a 'part-time coverer', and you might not be able to devote your best efforts to this practice. Anyone, please feel free to email me if you have questions or advice. I'm still a real newbie to this thing, but committed to it. I could also use your prayers!

Enjoy your weekend, beloved...

M

First Eden, Now This

2008-11-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

When I came face to face with the fact that this covering journey must begin, I knew it wasn't just about covering my head; it was about covering my body.

I looked into my closet and sighed. "Help me, Lord."

I feel like I'm starting all over again. There is much in my wardrobe, thankfully, that I can keep. But there are a lot of things that have to go. We have small closets in our house, and I've always said that small closets keep us honest; we can't be packing a bunch of junk in there. We must choose wisely.

As you might imagine, there are quite a few summer dresses that will have to go. A couple of pair of snug jeans have got to bite the dust. Shirts that draw the eyes to my bosom need to get kicked to the proverbial curb. So here's the game plan (I must start somewhere):

I'm upping my sizes. Instead of small, I'll begin to buy my sweaters and shirts in a medium. I'll go up one size in my slacks, as well. Along with being more comfortable, I think this will draw attention away from the body parts I only want hubby to see.

My favorite chain store in these parts is a thrift store with great clothes at amazingly low prices. I buy most of my clothes and shoes there. I've recently done a bit of shopping and am picking up new-to-me clothing items here and there. I hope to slowly, piece by piece, eventually create a wardrobe of very modest clothes that I feel comfortable and pretty in.

Until that wardrobe is fully built, in the meantime, I'm trying to work with what I have. I have found that long wraps and scarves are especially helpful for covering. I recently invested in a few long scarves (in various colors) that I can wrap around my waist, drape over my torso or use to cover my head. These have been lifesavers for me when I've found that some of the clothes in my closet aren't as loose as I'd like them to be. I also joined an online group of women who swap modest clothing, as needed.

So for now, I'm getting by, and getting used to this new way of life. I wrap my head at night, and keep my head covered when I pray, but the other morning I prayed before realizing that my headcovering had fallen off throughout the night. Then another time, I was downstairs ironing and began talking with the Lord, and into that prayer, I realized my head was uncovered, and so I snatched a t-shirt nearby and tossed it on my head. It does take some getting used to, but the Lord is rich in mercy and grace. And I am so thankful for that!

Grace, beloved...

P.S. Since I wrote this post, my neighbor asked me what size clothing I wear. When I told her my jeans were an 8, she said "I knew it! One of my friends asked me if I knew anyone who wears an 8 or a 10, and I at first I said 'no', but when I pulled into my driveway, I thought of you. I'm going to go tell her when I get back home." My neighbor is an older, faithful Christian woman who is a widow and whose children are now grown. She told me her friend has a lot of clothes...too many clothes...and that they are taking up too much room in her house and that she needs to get rid of them. Let's hope there are plenty of modest picks in this group when I get them!

Beginning. Again.

2008-11-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

So this is my journey. Recently I was thinking to myself that it feels like I just had a baby, so overwhelmingly huge and life-changing this whole thing feels. You know when you have a child that you're never going to be the same again. You know when you've given your life to Christ that you're going to be changed forever. And in many ways this feels very much the same. Like a marked beginning that will take me places I hadn't planned to go.

If you had told me a month ago that I was going to be a headcovering Christian woman, I would have told you just how little you really know about me. That's some other woman, but that's not me. I should have known this was coming, though. I never know what God is up to.

This past summer I'd started a string of fasts. It began with a five day fast I'd done with a friend of mine who is having troubled times in her marriage. The intent was to do this with her and for her, but the fast was remarkably meaningful to me; so much so that I turned right around and did another fast for several days. These fasts had taken my intimacy level with the Lord to a whole new level. During these fasts I'd feel like God was telling me things that seemed clear, but things I clearly did not want to do --- silly things, that seemed to make no sense --- at least at the time. But to not do the things I felt he was leading me to do, well that would be blatant disobedience, and I didn't want that.

After a couple of long fasts, it was nearly time for my 20 year high school reunion. I was really excited about seeing my classmates again and was in a tizzy over what to wear. Suddenly, at the last minute I felt led to wear the more modest dress (one that wouldn't show off my slim figure as much) and no make-up. I really struggled with God's directive on the make-up part --- no make-up to my 20 year class reunion?! No make-up with my oily skin in the smoldering summer heat?! This was preposterous!

But I felt I couldn't not do it. So I did it. I could have felt prettier, but I think I gained something greater than feeling pretty. And now I'm gaining a deeper perspective of what seems to have started this summer.

I've been praying for wisdom and humility for a very long time, and healing, too, from a distorted body image. I can't help but feel that God is answering my prayers in some pretty meaningful and unexpected ways. Maybe every Christian woman doesn't need to be rescued the way I do, but I've been desperate for something more for longer than I care to say.

At first it felt uncomfortable, but intriguing -- the whole idea of covering. Then it felt thrilling, but uncertain. After the initial realization of truth and the height of emotion wore off, I felt as if I was just floating along on a notion --- doing the right thing but not having it feel like such a big deal. I'd read one woman talk about those feelings --- that when you wake up feeling like you don't want to cover, cover anyway. And that's exactly what I did.

I found comfort (surprisingly and not so surprisingly) online --- finding other women like myself, with stories just like mine; women with husbands and kids and actual lives. I'm not even sure how I found them, except for the grace of God. In my hunger and desperation I just kept clicking one link after another, and before I knew it, I was reading about other women just like me.

In retrospect, maybe the writing was on the wall all along. During my fasts, I felt this odd need to drape some cloth over my head when I prayed. It was like my prayers felt more serious when I did that. And I hadn't thought about that I Corinthians 11 passage of Scripture since I don't know when. It just felt oddly right.

When things (finally) came together for me, and I felt God was ushering me in the direction of covering and modesty, I sought counsel from my pastor who advised against it and told me that I didn't need to cover. I felt honestly VERY confused and doubtful. I didn't think I would keep moving forward with this whole idea of covering, especially with what my pastor said. I felt really sad and disappointed. I thought maybe it was all in my head, maybe I'd only imagined being enlightened in some way, maybe covering wasn't all that essential and that maybe it wasn't such a big deal after all.

The next day I felt completely different. I just knew I had to do it; I had to follow through. Maybe God was leading me and maybe He wasn't, but I decided that I'd rather err on the side of obedience than walk a different path. I kept feeling that this might be God's way of answering my (desperate) prayers over my distorted body image. I kept feeling like I wanted to 'opt out' of the current culture's standard of beauty and with God re-create (or re-discover) beauty how God fully intended. This was an enormously freeing thought! And as a black woman, the practical aspects of headcovering were incredibly appealing. Oh, the stress I've had over my hair! Go natural/naptural for a while, which I did, but then it was too much to handle with two toddler boys on my hands. So I go back to a perm after a 13 year break from it, got blond highlights and people couldn't stop saying nice things about my hair. When I was na(p)tural, they mistook me for Celie from The Color Purple, and nobody loved me but my husband and my friends who were naptural themselves. The drama we black women go through on account of our hair! We are accepted when our hair is as European as it can possibly be --- even our mothers and grandmothers insist our hair should be straight, and ask us why we are walking around without our hair done when it's not straight. Oh, the looks I took! Never mind my desire to be authentic and to have my hair stay just as God created it....that's just kookie talk!

So. That said, I have plans to get my permed ends cut off and go back to being naptural. I just feel it's who I am. What to do when it gets so long and thick I can't comb through it unless it's wet? Who cares (and who has to know) since I'll usually be covered when I leave the house? Around the house I can look like a wild woman and have an afro all day...hubby loves it. :-)

Spiritual meets practical in the everyday journey of my life, making ordinary moments sacred. I think this is the way it's supposed to be.

The journey of headcovering, by necessity, also involves dressing more modestly. I'll save that story for another post.

Grace, beloved...